


Time Deprives All But Memories

by appleapple



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Brief mention Eren/OFC, Brief mention of past character death, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, First Time, M/M, Mystery, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-05-26 23:19:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 29,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6260056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appleapple/pseuds/appleapple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Living in a future in which survival is their only victory Levi wonders if there can be anything left to lose.  </p><p>Offered a chance to make things right, he discovers that everything has a price...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

 

_Tempus omnia sed memorias privat - Time deprives all but memories_

 

 **“Love is a striking example of how little reality means to us.”**  
― Marcel Proust, In Search of Lost Time

 

After Erwin is gone, after Hanji is gone, after leaving so many of their friends upon a battlefield…

After the Corp is all but disbanded in the reactionary coup that follows, and civil war ravages the kingdom…

After the merchants rise to fill the void left by Historia and the Nobility’s exiled governments…

The Gray World is what remains.

He didn’t remember when it had started. He only knew that he’d woken up one day to find the world leeched of color. It had drained away day by day, so slowly that he hadn’t at first noticed. 

But even the Gray World had consolations. Eren’s friendship was a bright spot in an otherwise dreary landscape. After seven years Eren was almost as familiar with Levi’s body as he was with his own. Almost.

“Eren,” he hissed sharply. It was still dark out, the sky a cold blue. Eren was wrapped around him from behind--his erection digging suggestively into Levi’s ass--Eren stirred.

“Eren!” he repeated, more sharply, and elbowed his companion in the ribs. That woke Eren up.

“Huh?” he said sleepily. “Oh. Sorry, Captain,” he said with a snicker, turning so that his back was pressed against Levi instead. “It’s nothing personal.” He was asleep again almost immediately.

Nothing personal! Levi fumed, but didn’t move. It was winter--the days were nearly at their shortest--too cold to kick Eren out of his bed. Still, he could be a little more respectful! That was an unfortunate side effect of time--familiarity. Once Levi had had a degree of freedom and privacy. Now he had Eren--whose idea of ‘boundaries’ extended to sometimes looking in the other direction while Levi was taking a piss.

 _Eren_ would have been pissing himself once after an indiscretion like that, he thought with a mix of bitterness and nostalgia. Now he just rolled over and went back to sleep. Like everything else about their reduced circumstances it was exasperating but not worth bothering about. The tea--when there was any tea at all--was served in chipped cups. The bread was more sawdust than wheat most days. The blankets were more hole than cloth. Eren getting a little too comfortable against him from time to time was the least of his problems.

He still remembered the first night Eren had crawled into his bed.

It was years ago now. Eren hadn’t said anything about it--hadn’t even said _we’re both cold, this is stupid, here, I’m coming in with you--_ He’d just climbed in, doing nothing to make himself small or inconspicuous. He’d wrapped an arm around Levi’s waist and fallen asleep like that. Levi hadn’t made him leave. He’d liked the warmth.

And it had come after all those other things--after he’d taped up Levi’s broken ribs--nursed him through the summer fever that had decimated Mitras’s population five years ago--cried at his side after they’d buried Hanji and Erwin. 

When he woke up again he was alone, but the bedroll was still warm. He rolled over to watch Eren boiling water over a fire, whistling. 

“I’m making your tea,” he told Levi.

“No,” Levi said, frowning at him. “There’s hardly anything left. We’re saving it.”

“You were coughing last night,” Eren told him cheerfully. “In your sleep. I suppose you’ve been suppressing it when you’re awake.”

Levi glared at him.

“The tea will help your throat. With honey.”

“Honey! Where did you get honey.”

“I’ve been saving it,” Eren said mysteriously.

When the tea was finished he brought it to Levi--in their unchipped mug--with a ceremony that would have annoyed Levi if he hadn’t known for a fact that it was unironic. They had an argument over whether Eren should have any of the tea, but in the end Levi was at least able to achieve a victory over _that_ and Eren filled his own mug.

Eren sipped his, coming to sit near Levi, almost nuzzling him when he brought his mug up to his--

“Eren.”

“Sorry, sorry,” Eren said unrepentantly, and moved an inch or two away.

Afterward they cleaned and packed their meager campsite, and Eren saddled up their horses. 

“This shitty little village we’re going to,” Levi said. It was large enough to be a town, but Eren didn’t correct him.

“Yeah.”

“I’ve been there before.”

“Anything to do?” Eren asked teasingly, not expecting a positive answer.

“The girls at the whorehouse are too young,” Levi said bluntly.

Eren looked at him in surprise, the humor wiped from his face.

“Stay away from there. I mean it. All right?”

“Levi, hey,” Eren said, and he grabbed one of Levi’s hands. That _familiarity_ again. Another thing he would have never dared to do before, but now it’s as casual to him as breathing.

Eren was looking at him seriously. “I won’t,” he promised. “But you don’t need to tell me. I’ve never been with a girl who was even much younger than me. Never mind unwilling.”

“I know,” Levi said, almost embarrassed. “Sorry.”

“So what happened last time you were here?” Eren asked, releasing him. “Anyone I should watch out for?” He had visions of Levi burning the place to the ground after freeing the girls and distributing the wealth of their former masters.

“I doubt anyone would remember me.”

“Uh huh.”

“And I’m not going to go near it,” Levi said with a grimace. “Much as I would like to. Food’s too scarce on the ground this year. I’m not going to take anyone’s job away from them, shitty as that job might be.”

“Well, we could,” Eren said, after a short pause. Thinking he wouldn’t half mind some self-righteous firestarting himself.

But Levi just shook his head. “We can’t stay there,” he said. “Not that I’d _want_ to stay in that fucking backwater. But anything we interfered with wouldn’t _stick._ I wouldn’t want to risk making people worse off because we stepped in to play hero.”

Eren sighed, but he knew Levi was right about that. Unfortunately, he’d seen firsthand himself how often the injustices they stepped in to correct reverted back when they weren’t around to enforce them. Without a stable government or military presence to carry out the rule of law people gave in to their worst inclinations far too often.

“If we could just make some progress--” Eren said. The rightful government--Historia’s government--had been in a stalemate with the Nobility for power over the kingdom for years.

Levi gave him a small, ironic, humorless smile.

“Don’t tell me you think we’re going to be doing this forever,” Eren said, only half-joking.

“No,” Levi said bluntly. “Just til we’re dead.”

 

 

 

Surprisingly, for a backwater in the dead of winter the place was bustling; it was the largest town around for miles, and people had poured into it from nearby farms and villages for the midwinter festival. There was an open market filled with a surprising number of goods, and while Levi went to see about getting them accommodations Eren strolled up and down admiring the wares for sale.

You hardly saw markets like this anymore. It had been a bad year for farming--and over the last few years humanity had been hit hard by political instability and disease and fighting. But you’d hardly know it from looking at the cheerful faces in town. So far Levi’s description of the place was proving remarkably unfounded.

Though Eren supposed it was all just colored by his negative feelings about whatever had happened when he’d been here before.

There were stalls selling holly wreaths and dried flowers and herbs; a cheese stall; a stall selling winter vegetables (gourds, greens, small tart berries, potatoes, hard sour apples); wooden tools; children’s toys; clothes; pottery; on and on it went. 

There were a lot of things he’d like to buy for Levi, as a midwinter present, and he lingered over some of them, touching them and turning them over in his hands and always putting them back down in the end. The only way gifts were acceptable to Levi was if they were small, practical, and inconsequential. Anything else--even if it was only a _little_ extravagant--aggravated him.

Eren had a good supply of ready cash, at least--he’d made sure of that, the last time they’d been at HQ, knowing Levi wouldn’t. Since Erwin and Hanji, he’s been doing that--depriving himself of things, as if in a kind of penance for not saving them. He used the money to buy a large amount of tea, a fresh, crusty loaf of bread for their evening meal (with a hard, garlicky cheese that the vendor let him sample first, cutting a sliver off and handing it to him in cold fingers, while he stood there and chewed it, feeling pleasure in being able to _choose_ anything) and lamb sausage and a vegetable pie, a jug of cider, and elderberry cordial for Levi’s cough. That would have to do for now--although there was a bookseller’s stall at the end, and he thought Levi could possibly be enticed into accepting a book if he could find something suitable.

When Levi caught up with him he frowned at all the packages Eren was carrying. Before he could start being peevish Eren rearranged them so that he had an arm free, giving Levi the cider jug to hold and linking arms with him.

Levi continued to frown at him, but Eren could see him obviously deciding it wasn’t worth the trouble. Eren had discovered a long time ago that life ran much more smoothly by making other people decide you weren’t worth the trouble. He coughed to keep from laughing and asked Levi about their rooms.

“Room, you mean, and even that I had to fight that asshole landlord for. He was trying to charge me twice what it was worth.”

“It’s everyone in town for the festival.”

“I hope Jean gets here soon and we’re not stuck here for _that,”_ Levi said.

“I wouldn’t mind. They were talking about a big bonfire in the square on the solstice.”

“Oh, a _fire,_ well that changes things, I’ve always wanted to see how one of those works.”

 

 

The room was small and cold with a tiny uncomfortable bed that would have scarcely fit Levi, let alone both of them.

After chewing on his lip and considering it for a minute Eren grabbed the bed and turned it sideways. It was cheaply made, held together with ropes and pegs, and he had it disassembled in less time than it took Levi to make their tea. There was at least a small fireplace in the room.

Levi watched this process with interest. “Here, Eren, pass one of those over, it’ll be better off as firewood.”

Eren ignored him and stacked the pieces neatly in one corner, the ropes wrapped around the poles to keep them together, and then he investigated the mattress. It was still too small, but it was surprisingly clean (he’d noticed coming in that the room was spotless, and he didn’t doubt Levi had intimidated someone into cleaning it properly.)

“I’ll be back in a minute,” Eren said, and Levi hummed in acknowledgment. 

He came back with two bedrolls, extra pillows, and clean linens, all extorted from the reluctant landlord. After a few minutes work he’d made up the new bed, stacking the bedrolls so they were much of a height with the mattress and spreading the blankets on top. It was at least big enough for both of them now. When he glanced back he saw Levi looking at him--soft. Surprisingly unguarded. And he looked away, fiddling with the pillows and pretending he hadn’t noticed. No use looking in that direction, he told himself firmly.

“The tea’s ready.”

“Thanks.”

Levi spread out a blanket and they shared the food, Eren forcing the elderberry cordial on Levi before he’d eat anything himself.

“I don’t want to listen to you cough all night, you kept me awake,” Eren told him blithely, and he dodged out of the way when Levi reached out to strike him.

“What do you want to do tomorrow?” Eren asked.

“Oh, well, I thought we could go sightseeing,” Levi said. “As I told you, this town is famous for its many varied and interesting cultural relics, beginning with the Monument to Who Gives a Fuck, and then of course there’s the Memorial to Who Fucking Cares--”

“We have to do something until Jean shows up,” Eren said reasonably. “Which probably won’t be for a couple of days.”

“What do you want to do?” Levi asked, rolling his eyes.

“There’s a mummers play tomorrow at noon, in the square.”

“What fun.”

Eren grinned at him. “Yes, I thought you’d see things my way,” he said.

 

 

 

That night Eren waited until Levi was asleep and then he rolled over and embraced the smaller man. The worrying cough was a lot better tonight, but Eren could still hear the faint rattle of it in his chest. He hoped Jean wouldn’t arrive too soon. He wanted Levi to sleep indoors for a few days before they got back on the road.

In the morning he was the first one to wake and he lay there for a while enjoying it. He was drowsy and comfortable, and the right temperature for once. Usually when they were lucky enough to sleep inside Levi would kick him out of bed because he ran so hot. Levi hated waking up sweaty but waking up with Eren's sweat on him made him murderous.

This little room was cold enough that he’d been able to sleep curled up at Levi’s back all night with the bed only warm instead of boiling hot. Levi was asleep and breathing deeply, and Eren watched him for a while. Eventually he made himself get up--carefully, without disturbing Levi--and he dressed in silence and went downstairs.

He’d found time to flirt with the barmaid the night before and he found her in the kitchen this morning. The inn was a small one and she did most of the cooking, with a waif of about seven to help her. There was the innkeeper’s twelve year old son as well, but as Dessa had complained to him the night before he could scarcely be found when there was work to be done. The boy wasn't around this morning, but the girl was there scrubbing pots. Eren passed the time talking to her, and when the barmaid--Dessa--finished assembling his tray he asked the girl to help him carry it upstairs.

She was exactly the kind of child Levi liked, and Eren wanted him to be in a good mood today. When they came in--the little girl carrying the tray over her head--Eren saw Levi smile. Eren put the two heavy water pitchers he’d been carrying on the small table.

Levi was asking the girl her name--Flora--was she the innkeeper's daughter--no, she just worked here--how old was she--seven--did she have parents--no, her mother was dead. She’d never known her father. “Dessa looks out for me,” she said with seven-year-old bravado.

Levi took a penny out and offered it to her, but before she could snatch it out of his hand he held it away from her.

“Do you want to wait on us while we're here?” he asked.

“Yes!” she said, eyes glued to the penny.

“Then you have to clean up. We can't abide dirt. Go wash your face and hands in the basin.”

Surprised, Flora did as she was told. Eren poured the water in for her and gave her a clean handkerchief to dry with. Afterward she looked expectantly at Levi. 

“Do you know how to comb your hair?”

“Yes!” she said, offended. “I'm not a baby!”

“Then why isn't it combed?”

“It doesn't matter,” she said, one hand going up to touch the dirty kerchief that covered her hair. “No one sees it.”

“Do you have a comb?”

“Well...no.”

Levi reached into one of their bags to pull out a simple wooden comb and he handed it to her. She hesitated and then went back to the basin. She dipped the comb into the water and then ran it through her hair. It wasn't as tangled as Eren had imagined, but it still took a little time for her to get through it all and rebraid it. Eren and Levi ate their breakfast.

“Did you eat breakfast, brat?” Levi asked and she rolled her eyes at him.

“Yes!” she said. “Dessa feeds me!”

“You're luckier than most then,” Levi muttered.

When she had finished she came to bring him back the comb but he shook his head.

“You keep it. I have another.” He gave her the penny.

She gave them a gap toothed grin and as she left Levi called after her, “Make sure you're clean before you bring us our breakfast tomorrow!”

“Okay!”

“Thank you,” Eren hissed at her helpfully.

“Oh...thank you, sir!” she said, tripping over the words a little.

Eren dragged him out after breakfast and they spent the morning strolling through the town. By noon they were standing shoulder to shoulder with hundreds of people to watch the mummers play, which was inane and stupid. But Eren clapped and laughed with everyone else. 

He wanted to go back to their room and lie down afterwards--his chest hurt, although he would never admit it out loud to Eren. When Eren suggested lunch he made a face. “You go. I’m going to meditate and write a letter.”

When he was alone in their room he lay down on the bed, consciously slowing and deepening his breaths. Deepening them too much was painful, so he got up and found the elderberry cordial, drinking off a draught and making a face at the taste, wishing he had tea to wash it down.

After he that he laid down again and he could sleep.

 

 

 

 

Levi was in a bathtub--solid--clawfoot--chest deep in hot water in a bathroom that was dazzlingly clean. There was a small table beside him with a batch of letters on it that he was working his way through. The bathroom was familiar to him--he knew the mosaics on the floor, the pedestal sink, the expansive mirror. The door between the bathroom and his bedroom was open, and beyond it he heard someone come in.

“Eren,” he called absently, and received an affirmative answer, though Eren didn’t come in right away.

Untroubled he turned the page of his letter. Erwin had written it three days ago in the capital. Halfway through the page he heard Eren moving around in the bathroom before coming to stand behind Levi. He ran his hands through Levi’s hair.

“Hmm,” Levi said, relaxing under the touch and leaning back. He stuck his arm further out so that the letter was clear of the water, and after a minute Eren took it from his hand and put it on the tray with the others. 

Eren wet his hands and ran them through Levi’s hair. They were warm from the water, and he went slowly, rubbing Levi’s scalp. Levi stretched out in the water and let him, at ease and totally trusting.

“I could come in with you,” he said after a while. 

“Mm. Overflow the bathtub and be late for your class.” 

Eren sighed and dropped a towel on Levi’s head. “Spoilsport.”

Levi stood up and stepped out of the tub, taking Eren’s offered hand although he didn’t need it. He wrapped the towel around his body, drying off before padding into the other room where his clothes were laid out.

Every part of the bedroom was tidy except for a large round table that was covered with hand drawn maps. Eren dropped down to sit at the table, pulling one of the maps towards him. It showed an outline of the three walls, but that took up only a small part of the center--the area around the kingdom was vast. Most of the outer edges were still blank paper, but Levi could see the areas that were being filled in. Eren picked up a pencil that was lying on the table and he very carefully sketched in a small tree, adding it to a forest that lay southwest of the kingdom. 

Levi buttoned up his shirt and watched him. “Don’t you have a class you should be teaching?” he repeated. Eren rolled his eyes and dropped the map; crossing the room in three steps he took Levi into his arms and kissed him, like a thirsty man drinking deeply from sweet water. 

Levi let him pull him into his arms and push him up against the bed before stopping him.

“Get out of here,” he said smiling.

Eren kissed him again.

“Eren, I mean it,” he said, but he was laughing.

 

 

 

 

Levi woke up. He gasped and sat up, feeling the breath catching painfully in his chest, and he looked around wildly. He was still in the small room of the inn.

What the _hell_ had that been? It hadn’t felt like a dream at all. It had been _real._ He’d known where he was, he’d known those rooms as well as if he’d lived in them for years. He’d felt the paper under his fingers, the warmth of the bathwater (in reality, he doesn’t want to even _think_ about how long it’s been since he’s taken a proper bath), the feel of Eren’s fingers running through his wet hair--

The taste of him on his mouth.

“What the fuck?” he said, grabbing his head. Was he going _crazy?_

In the vision--whatever it had been--he hadn’t been in any pain. He’d felt good, _healthy_ , and Eren had been bigger than life. Stronger. The kind of body you got from good food and regular exercise, and not just whatever scraps you could survive on before your body gave out.

He’d smelled the same, Levi realized belatedly. He couldn’t remember ever _smelling_ anything in a dream before, and maybe that was what convinced him that it had been real. But then what was it? Why had it happened?

He got up, feeling agitated, and went downstairs. He wasn’t sure what he intended to do, but he didn’t want to be alone in the room with his thoughts any longer. The staircase emptied out into a common room, where the bar was. 

Flora, the little servant girl, ran up to him beaming. “Look,” she said, holding up her hands, which were clean.

In spite of himself he smiled. “Do you want some lunch?” she asked, taking him by the hand and tugging him towards an empty table.

“What is there for lunch?” he asked her.

“Toasted cheese sandwich and vegetable soup,” she answered promptly. 

“Yeah, okay,” he said, “Bring me a cup of tea too.” She ran off to the kitchen.

He turned his head, his eyes adjusting to the dimness of the room. There were a few lunch customers sitting at other tables. Eren was at the bar, talking to the barmaid. She was laughing and leaning in close to him. His hand was palm open, facing towards her on the wooden bartop, and she touched it for a moment before turning away to fill another customer’s ale tankard.

He sighed inwardly, then turned away. A few minutes later Flora was back, carrying a tray of food which she set down carefully before him. Eren had followed her over and he sat down, smiling at Levi.

“I’m glad you came down,” he said. “The food’s pretty good. I ate already.”

Levi nodded.

“Are you all right?”

“I fell asleep,” he said, taking a bite of the soup. It _was_ good. “I...had a strange dream. That’s all.”

Eren looked concerned, but he knew better than to push for details, and he changed the subject. He was reassured to see that Levi finished his food, though he frowned when Levi started coughing again. 

“There’s a doctor in town.”

“I’m fine,” Levi said reflexively, then he paused. “All right,” he said. “I’ll go.”

“Okay--”

“Alone,” Levi said, giving him a hard look. “I’ll be back in a few hours. I have some errands to run, too.”

“Oh--okay.”

It wasn’t hard to find the town doctor, and he waited in the sitting room, kicking his heels for an hour as other patients were seen before him.

“You’re a soldier,” the man said in surprise when it was finally time for him to be seen.

“You’re a loyal subject of the Queen, I assume,” Levi countered drily. 

“Yes, of course. It’s just we don’t see many er--people of your profession around here.”

Levi didn’t respond, and the man hrmphed uncomfortably, ushering him into the room. He listened to his chest--had Levi breathe in and out--listened to his heart.

“You’ll be all right,” the doctor said at last. “Rest, fluids. I can give you tincture of poppy if you’re having trouble sleeping.”

“No,” Levi said automatically, buttoning his shirt up. He never took anything that would slow his reflexes. He hopped down from the exam table, paid the doctor’s fee and went out into the street. 

He shouldn’t have been as tired as he was. It was cold out. The air felt like snow. There was nowhere in this repulsive town he wanted to be right now but he didn’t want to get back too early. Eren deserved a little privacy. The inn was quiet--it was too early for the dinner customers and the common room was deserted. He went to the kitchen and found Flora overseeing a table overflowing with vegetables.

“Hello,” he said. “Where’s--uh--Dessa?”

“She went to the market,” Flora said absently, all her attention focused on the carrot she was peeling.

“Hmm,” Levi said, and he went up the stairs. The room he shared with Eren was at the top of the building. He crept up silently and when he was at the top he waited and listened. There; the soft sound of feminine laughter. 

He went back down to the kitchen. He always kept knives on him, in addition to the regulation blades at his hip, and he pulled one out now. It was a little larger than a paring knife.

“You doing all of these?” he said, nodding to the mountain of carrots. 

“Uh huh.”

“Potatoes too?”

“No, we leave the skins on and roast them.”

He picked up a carrot and his knife flew over it, a paper-thin peel falling to the waiting bin below. He had done two or three before Flora noticed; then she gaped at him open mouthed.

“Hey, how are you doing that?” she asked. She grabbed his wrist and turned his hand over, as if searching for a magic trick.

“I’m good with a knife,” he told her, taking his hand back. “I can do these, if you have something else you need to do.”

“But you’re a fancy captain in the army,” she said, hypnotized by the sight of his blade flashing over the carrots. “Dessa said so.”

“Fancy captains usually start off peeling carrots and potatoes before they get promoted.”

 _“Really?”_ she said. She sounded impressed. She grabbed a handful of potatoes and put them in a bowl of water, scrubbing them with a hard brush. They worked in silence for a while, Flora looking up from time to time to stare at Levi’s hands. The mountain of carrots was growing steadily smaller.

He finished before she did and helped her scrub and chop the potatoes. 

“What’s for dinner?” he asked her.

“Look,” she said, showing him the hob where a large joint of meat was cooking. “We cook the vegetables in the drippings. With salt and pepper and rosemary and garlic.”

“Fancy,” he said, and she grinned at him. 

“Our kitchen is the best in town,” she said proudly. 

“Did you make the porridge this morning? It was good.”

“Dessa did,” Flora said, “but I helped her make the jam this summer.”

“Is she the innkeeper’s daughter?” Levi asked, wondering if there would be any trouble there. He hadn’t seen the innkeeper since he’d gotten the room from the man. He hadn’t liked him much.

“No. His niece-by-marriage,” Flora said quickly, pronouncing it as all one word. “She came to cook for him after the mistress died last year.”

“And when did you come here?”

“Last year too. Dessa took me in after me mam died. To help with the sweeping and all, and plus she teached me how to cook too.”

He had been helping her mix the vegetables while they talked, his shirt rolled up to the elbows. He’d borrowed an apron that had been lying on a hook nearby. Together they pushed the large roasting pan under the meat where it would catch the drippings as it cooked, and Flora nodded in satisfaction.

Someone rapidly walked through the common room and pushed open the swinging door to the kitchen.

“Flora, we need to hurry up on those potatoes,” Dessa said, unbuttoning her cape and hanging it up on a hook.

“They’re done, Dessa.”

“Done? What do you mean?”

Then she turned and saw him standing with Flora. 

_“He_ helped me,” Flora said with a trace of smugness.

“Oh,” Dessa said, and Levi could see the mixture of confusion and embarrassment on her face. She brushed her hair back behind one ear, looking vaguely conscious. It wasn’t as neatly done up as it had been when he’d seen her earlier that afternoon. “You didn’t need to do that, sir.”

“I didn’t mind,” he told her easily. He put off the apron and picked up his coat from the chair he’d hung it on. “It was nice talking to you Flora.”

She chirruped her agreement and as he walked past Dessa, she said, “Flora said you gave her a comb. And a penny.”

“Yes.” 

“You don’t need to do that, neither,” she told him as Flora protested.

Warning him. He smiled, not in the least offended. “I’m glad she has you to watch over her,” he told her honestly, and she blinked in surprise.

“I lost my mother when I was Flora’s age. I never knew my father. I always make it a point to be kind to orphans; you never know who they’ll grow up to be.”

“Oh,” she said, even more flustered than she’d been a moment ago. “Sir--I didn’t mean--!”

“You did, and I’m glad you did,” he told her. She was much taller than he was, although not as tall as Eren. He nodded to her as he passed and went slowly upstairs.

He knocked at the door.

“Oh--” Eren’s voice called, “Come in.”

Levi opened the door. Eren leaned back on his heels--he’d been sorting through their dirty laundry. He looked a little pink, Levi thought, not uncharitably. There were one or two blankets missing from the bed. 

“Um. I was just going through everything. Dessa said she could do our laundry tomorrow.”

“That’s good,” Levi said.

“Uh. How was the doctor’s?”

“He said I was fine,” Levi said and Eren frowned.

“Did he give you anything?”

“No.”

“He should have at least offered you tincture of poppy!”

“He did, but you know I won’t take that. I’m _fine,_ Eren. Stop glaring at me. I went so you’d quit nagging me and he said I was fine.”

“All right,” Eren said, awkwardly. “Sorry, Levi.”

Levi waved a hand and kicked off his boots to lay back on the bed, which didn’t smell like anything objectionable. Fortunately. He hadn’t done much today, but it _felt_ like he had. He dozed, drifting in and out of sleep while Eren sorted through their clothes and gear. There were no more strange dreams or visions.

Eren woke him up sometime after sunset. “Do you want to come downstairs and eat? Dinner’s ready. Or I could just bring something up for us.”

Levi stretched. He felt like he could have just slept through to the next morning. “That sounds better,” he said, and after Eren had gone he staggered to his feet to make their tea. 

“Flora sends her regards,” Eren told him, coming back a little later with a laden tray. He was smiling. “You’ve made an impression on her.”

Levi grunted, and Eren put the tray down. The food was delicious, and there was even a pear tart with cream to finish. Eren ate most of it. 

“Is there something else bothering you?” Eren asked towards the end of their meal.

Eren knew him too well. Familiarity.

He wasn’t going to tell him about the vision, _that_ was certain. Every other topic of conversation felt booby-trapped. So he said, 

“I miss Erwin. And Hanji.” Which was true. The vision--or whatever it was--had made that grief fresh again. Erwin had been alive. He’d been reading his letter, and he’d known (fully inhabiting that body, that other life) that Hanji was alive too.

“Oh,” Eren said. 

Levi sipped his tea. 

 

 

 

Flora brought their breakfasts in the mornings, and Levi gave her pennies which she took gleefully, and presented her with small gifts. They were cheap things that he took pleasure in buying for her; candy, soap, a hair ribbon, a new kerchief. Dessa half-heartedly scolded him for spoiling her, but her heart wasn’t in it. She knew both Levi and Eren would be gone soon. Levi made sure to find excuses to go out in the afternoon, and Eren looked at him half-guilty and half-grateful.

He liked seeing Flora dressed more neatly. She took pains over her hair now--as much to show off the new ribbons and kerchief as anything else. He’d thought about buying her a dress before they left, but he’d decided it was too lavish a gift to come from him, so he’d given Dessa the money to do it instead. She stopped charging them for their meals. Since the innkeeper wasn’t around during the day and they took dinner in their room he was none the wiser.

They waited for Jean. He was supposed to turn up before the solstice, which was still days away. Levi wished he’d hurry up. He was tired of the town. 

He felt off. The vision--or whatever it had been--had disturbed him. He was used to the grayness but this was different. The whole world felt suddenly fragile, as though he’d come around the corner and seen it was all false fronts, held up by flimsy carpentry.

It was impossible to hide how he was feeling from Eren. The nights were all right. During the day he tried to avoid him. He felt frayed. 

Two days after the first one it happened again. This time he kept some awareness of himself--watching himself from outside his body. Levi was dressed and alone in the same bedroom. He looked up, as if sensing that a stranger was present. Then he walked to the table where the maps were.

“I know you're there,” Levi--the other Levi--said. It was oddly jarring to hear his voice from _outside_ of himself. The first time it had happened he’d been swept away by the vision, but now he was aware of himself as an observer. 

“I wasn't sure when I felt you the other night, but I am now.”

Levi, immaterial, felt a prickle of surprise and confusion.

“It is real,” the other Levi said, answering the unasked question. He reached out an arm to point at a spot on the map. “Look carefully.”

Levi looked where he was pointing. There was a place outside the walls that had been drawn in--a waterfall within a grove.

“You need to fix it in your mind if you're going to go. No one but you will be able to find it.”

He tried to ask the other question--why? What's happening?

“That's obvious, isn't it? You can change things. You can have this--” and Levi spread out his arm, encompassing the world. “You can go back and change everything. Erwin and Hanji can survive. The civil war will never happen.”

Impossible.

“This is impossible, isn't it? You need to decide soon. You're running out of time.

“But whatever you choose, there will be a price.”

Abruptly the vision ended and he was back in his own body. Gasping he arched up.

What the hell. What the actual fuck did that mean. He got up and with shaky hands poured some water that he could splash his face with.

He stumbled outside. It was still morning, and he didn't realize what he was doing until he’d reached the market. Once he was there he sighed, but dug out the money to pay for a small leather bound book. The pages were blank and he went back to his room to draw what he’d seen.

Passing through the common room he could hear Dessa arguing with Flora in the kitchen, and he half-smiled to himself. It was a well timed intrusion of reality, and he lingered in the room for a moment, taking comfort from the mundane smells of wood polish and cooking onions.

Back in the room he found a pen and some ink and began to draw.

When Eren came in later he’d filled pages with drawings.

“I didn't know you were here,” Eren said in surprise. “You should have come down for lunch.”

Levi blinked. “What time is it?”

“After two now,” Eren said.

He’d been drawing for hours. He put the book aside with a sigh and stood up, stretching his stiff back.

“I'll go down now.”

“Dessa’s closed up for the afternoon.”

Levi resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Was that a roundabout way of saying he wanted the room? “I'll go buy something then,” he said, more sharply than he'd intended.

He walked out, fastening his coat tightly around him against the cold. He’d kept the book in his pocket, and he rubbed it, feeling the soft leather against his fingers. He didn’t think...he didn’t think anything.

Didn’t wonder if it was real. If it was true. If he could go back, and save everyone. Erwin. Hanji. He closed his eyes. 

He walked past the market--there was a very light snow falling, melting on the ground before it could accumulate. He didn’t think, but he kept walking. Maybe he’d just keep walking, until he found the place. He didn’t need the book--he could see it in his mind. He could feel the tug of it, pulling him.

 _”No!”_ a voice screamed, a child’s voice, followed by adult male laughter and jeers, and he turned sharply.

He didn’t know how long it took him to reach them _(too long)_ and though he hoped he was wrong he’d known all along what he was going to find.

There were two men in the alley, and one was holding Flora up like a rag doll. Her head was lolling to one side.

 

 

 

“Levi!” Eren shouted in his ear, “Levi!” 

He didn’t respond, and then Eren’s arms were around him.

“She’s all right,” Eren said softly. “She’s okay. She was just stunned. Come on, let’s get her back.”

Levi looked around. It was hard to adjust--like the whole world slamming into him at once. The two men--what was left of them--lay on the ground. He kicked the nearest one viciously.

“Filth.”

“Yes. They won’t be bothering anyone else now. Come on,” Eren said, tugging at him.

“E-ren?” A voice called.

“It’s all right, Flora,” Eren said. “Stay there. Don’t turn around.” Eren’s arm was firmly around Levi, and he steered him towards the front of the alley. Flora was sitting a few feet away, facing out to the street, and Eren stopped to pick her up, still keeping one arm on Levi, as if he was afraid he’d run back.

Levi snorted, and Eren gave him a sharp concerned look. He cradled Flora against his chest where she looked at Levi. Levi pulled his handkerchief out to wipe the blood from her face. Eren guided them back towards the inn.

“Are you all right, brat?”

“Yeah,” she said. “What happened to those bad men?”

“They’re gone. I took care of them.”

“They won’t hurt me again?” It was half question, half statement.

“They won’t hurt anyone,” Levi said grimly.

“Good!” she said in a ferocious little voice.

Dessa found them on the way back. “You little hoyden!” she said, grabbing Flora from Eren’s arms and hugging her to her chest. “I told you--my god, what’s happened to you all?”

“Let’s talk when we get back,” Eren said in a low urgent voice.

At the inn he left the explanations to Eren and went upstairs. He took off his coat and sat down on the floor. He felt no sorrow or regret over the men he’d killed--he never regretted killing monsters. 

He heard Flora’s recognizable knock at the door, and leaned over to open it.

She dropped a tray on the floor in front of him--vegetable soup and a pot of tea--and then she flung her arms around him.

He allowed this for a moment before removing her. 

“Thanks for the soup. I didn’t have lunch today.”

“I know. Eren told me to bring it up for you.”

He ate and she watched him, hugging her knees. 

“What were you arguing with Dessa about today? I heard you, earlier.”

Flora made a face. “I wanted to go to the market and she wouldn’t take me.”

“So you went by yourself.”

She nodded, truculently.

“Will you do something for me?” he asked her.

“Yes!” she said eagerly.

“Listen to Dessa, when she tells you to do something.”

Flora sighed, but she nodded. “She already made me promise.”

“Well, promise me too.”

“Okay.”

If he had more time, he could have taught her to defend himself. He didn’t though, and he ate up the soup and finished the tea while she fiddled with her boot laces. When he was done she took the tray away, shutting the door behind her.

Where she had been sitting there was a small package, wrapped in paper. He had a sudden suspicion that this was what she’d wanted to get at the market today, and he picked it up and unwrapped it.

It was a little stone amulet, carved into the face of one of the goddesses. Maria. An amulet of protection. He put it in his pocket.

When Eren came up a few minutes later he was still sitting on the floor. Eren stood in front of the door and took a deep breath, before squaring himself in front of Levi.

“Will you tell me what’s going on?”

“What do you mean?”

“Levi…” Eren said. He dropped down, to sit in front of his friend. “I know you’re troubled about something. You have been since we came here. I was worried about you, that’s why I followed you when you went out. Is it--whatever happened the last time you were here?”

“No,” Levi said, and he laughed strangely. 

Eren was looking at him, puzzled and concerned. 

“You want to hear? It’s crazy.”

“Of course I do.”

Then Levi told him about the first vision, and the second one that had happened only that morning. Not about _Eren_ being in the first vision. He left that part out. But he told Eren about reading the letter from Erwin--about being somewhere safe, a place where their friends still lived.

Eren looked out of the window. It was getting dark--the sun was setting and the room was lit only by the last rays of the day, casting long shadows along the wall.

“You think it’s real.”

“I guess I do.”

Eren turned back to him. “What do we do? Do we go to the place you saw in your dream?”

“It wasn’t a dream.”

“So...do we go?”

“I don’t know,” he said.

“But if we could save everybody…”

“It’s winter. The place is outside the Walls. It would be almost impossible to reach right now. Not to mention incredibly dangerous.”

“But you believe it’s real.”

“Yes.”

“Then we should go.”

“I want to take a bath,” Levi said suddenly, and Eren, unperturbed by the change in subject, said, “There’s a public bathhouse--”

“I’m not going to a public bathhouse,” Levi said savagely. “There’s a hotel that has private baths. I’ll go there. I’ll see you later.”

Eren looked at him, puzzled but unoffended, and nodded.

 

 

 

Levi made his way there--he remembered the place, from his last visit, years earlier--and it wasn’t until he was alone, sunk deep into a pool of hot water in the private bath that he allowed himself to think.

In the vision things had seemed perfect, and for that reason he didn’t trust it at all. The other Levi had warned him.

_Whatever you choose, there will be a price._

And wasn’t there always?

But if he could go back...back to before Hanji and Erwin had died...wasn’t that worth the price? Even stronger than the desire to have his friends back, he knew it was his duty to try. This war they were locked in was a stalemate, and they would all be dead before it was over. If they were lucky they’d be able to pass on what they knew to the next generation, but every year that passed seemed worse than the last. Famine, plague, night raids. Who was to say there’d be anyone left to fight in a few years? Already neither side had enough soldiers for full scale war--they’d both been reduced to guerilla tactics and espionage. If all that could simply be avoided…

What made him hesitate, apart from the danger, was knowing it was too good to be true. He’d been around plenty of hucksters in his life. There was a trick here somewhere, if only he could see it. He knew what he’d seen had been real--the other Levi hadn’t tried to fool him. But he _had_ warned him. He was _missing_ something, some crucial piece that made him hesitate.

He dried off and dressed in clean clothes, feeling better but no closer to deciding what he should do. Why me? he wondered. And why now? The answer to that seemed close--almost tantalizingly close. While he was folding up his dirty clothes and packing them away the amulet Flora had risked her life to buy for him fell to the tile floor. He picked it up and turned it over in his hand.

Stupid brat--risking her life, wasting the money he’d given her on a present for him. He pocketed it again, and headed back to the inn.

He and Eren ate dinner together in their room, Eren talking about how they would get outside the walls--how long it would take--what supplies they would need to buy--who they would need to inform of their journey. Levi answered him monosyllabically when he answered at all, but Eren was used to Levi’s sudden descents into reticence and it didn’t trouble him any more than a sudden rainshower would have.

Levi supposed Eren was excited by the idea of getting outside the walls. It had been his dream since childhood, although he hadn’t brought it up in years.

When Eren asked to see the little book he’d been drawing in Levi passed it over without comment, and Eren eagerly scanned the pages.

They passed the time. Eventually he cleared up their empty plates, changed his clothes, washed his face and got into the bed, and reluctantly Eren finally put the book away to join him.

When Eren crawled into bed with him, he went to put his arms around Levi. Before he could Levi had grabbed him and pushed him back, throwing him against the wall hard enough to knock the breath out of him.

He stared at Levi in wide-eyed surprise.

“Stop it,” Levi hissed. “Just stop it! Leave me alone! I don’t want it, I don’t want you!”

“Oh,” Eren said. “All right. I’m sorry.”

He sounded so reasonable that it made Levi draw back, embarrassed. He settled on his haunches, while Eren stayed put against the wall, watching Levi warily, the way you might if an animal you thought you’d tamed suddenly snarled and turned against you.

Levi didn’t apologize. After a moment of just breathing he lay down again on his side of the bed. He hadn’t meant to lash out at Eren. He lay there and after a moment, he heard Eren shift to come onto the bed. He closed his eyes.

And felt a light presence settle over him.

His eyes flew open. Before he could protest, Eren said, “It’s all right,” and tipped forward, pressing his mouth to Levi’s. 

_No,_ Levi thought, _No._ This wasn’t what he…

Eren was kissing him, firm and insistent, stealing the breath right out of his mouth. He could have easily broken the hold Eren had on him. Eren’s knees were between his, pushing his legs apart. Eren was holding up most of his own weight, but crotch to belly to chest he was touching Levi.

Eren's hair was silky under his fingertips.

Eren licked inside his mouth, a lazy indolent swipe that would have annoyed Levi under other circumstances. Because it was presumptuous.

And when Eren undressed them both that was presumptuous too; so was it when Eren started touching him not just on the shoulders and arms and stomach, but his waist and thighs and ass. When Eren sucked him off, while at the same time he spread Levi’s legs further apart and fingered him. When he used oil to push one finger inside Levi’s body, then two. 

When he hovered over Levi, stroking himself until his cock was slick and glistening, biting his lip against the pleasure.

When he laid down again on top of Levi, pushing himself against him. His cock, no more than nudging at first against Levi’s ass felt better than he would have thought. Rubbing the sensitive skin there, nothing but sweet pleasure frissoning and dissipating. Then moving in, still one careful little nudge at a time, making him feel it. Stretching him out. It didn’t hurt--it was hardly even uncomfortable. Eren went so slow and careful that it only felt by degrees good, then better.

When he was all the way in--holding himself stiff and rigid--his face a mask that could as easily have been pain as pleasure--he arched up. He thrust once or twice or maybe even three times, almost helplessly before he stilled. And Levi grunted in surprise, feeling pleasure shockingly new unwind itself and travel up his spine.

“Ungh,” Eren said above him, “God, god, god.” His breath rattled. “Is that okay?”

“Well,” Levi said, his face unreadable, “You’re being kind of forward.”

Eren laughed and collapsed onto Levi to kiss him. “Well,” he said, “it’s not like I thought you’d let me. I kept waiting for you to stop me.”

Levi smiled, involuntarily. “I guess I should have.”

Eren kissed him again and started to fuck him in earnest. Levi felt each thrust down to his bones. He hadn’t imagined this. The world was filling up with color again, but not just color--light and sound, noise and pleasure. The scent of Eren’s warm, sweat-damp skin, the cold air coming in through cracks in the closed window, the tickle of Eren’s hair brushing his face as he kissed him. 

And under it all, like a pulse or a drumbeat, Eren driving hard into him. Riding him with his thick heavy cock, pushing into him, stretching Levi open for him. Distantly, as though from outside himself, he could hear the sounds he was making, little moans of pleasure as Eren took him. He didn’t think about anything, except how good it felt.

The pleasure coiled up in him, each thrust better than the one before, his body becoming impossibly more sensitized as Eren hit that sweet spot over and over. There was no break in the pleasure now, it all just hit him in one steady unbroken stream, and he held on to Eren. His hands slid over Eren’s back--everywhere, his skin was slippery.

“Levi,” Eren was saying, sounding so young, and _begging him,_ “Levi, I’m--please, can I--”

“Yeah,” Levi said, and Eren moaned wordlessly, let go, no more carefulness, just hard insistent thrusts that he _loved_ more than he’d ever admit. He didn’t know who came first, or if it mattered. Eren’s hand was on him, slicking over his cock in time with his thrusts, and Eren was crying out, pulsing in him, and Levi felt that white hot pleasure blaze inside of him, melting him down.

Afterward, Eren lay with Levi held in the curve of his arm, lazily kissing along Levi’s jaw and hairline. They had the blanket off, but Levi was warm against Eren’s body. He was listening to the sound of his own breaths, but remembering how he’d sounded before--was that me? Could it have been? He’d never lost control during sex. This hadn’t felt like losing control, but it had felt like letting go, and he supposed he’d never done that either.

“You and Erwin never…” Eren said suddenly, breaking the silence.

Levi snorted. “No.”

“You never wanted to?” Eren asked, looking at him from under dark lashes.

“No. Did you?” Levi asked drily.

“With him? No,” Eren said, smiling. “I had my eyes on somebody else. But I wondered if there was something. Especially after…”

Erwin had died.

“I cared about him,” Levi said. “When he died I lost a part of myself.”

Eren touched his collarbone. “We can fix it now,” he said. “I can’t--I guess it would be like if I lost Armin.

“But...do you want to do this? With me?”

“I wasn’t going along with you to be _polite.”_

“But before...if I tried anything...you’d always stop me.”

“Then I guess you didn’t try hard enough,” Levi said, snappish.

“Sorry, sorry,” Eren grinned and kissed him. “You’re right. If I wanted easy I’d find somebody else. You never said anything, though, when I...”

“What? Were you trying to make me jealous?”

“No,” Eren said, coloring, which made Levi roll his eyes and disbelieve him.

“I wasn’t going to be a dog in a manger,” Levi grumbled.

They drowsed for a while. A little after midnight Eren nuzzled him awake and made him fuck him, though it took very little convincing. Seven years was a long time to wait. He guessed they had some catching up to do. Not that he’d wanted Eren for seven years; it had been more like five, he reflected drily.

They didn’t sleep much that night. In the morning they made themselves as presentable as they could before Flora arrived, and after they ate Eren gave Levi a hopeful look.

“Not on your life,” Levi said. “I’m going to have another bath before I do anything, and so are you.”

Eren sighed. “I’ll get the laundry taken care of,” he said regretfully. “And I guess I should talk to Dessa.”

Levi almost winced hearing the name; he’d forgotten all about her. Poor Dessa. Well.

He went back to the same hotel and paid to use the private bathroom he’d used the day before. All he could think about was getting _clean_ \--the sex had been fantastic, but after going four rounds with Eren he was absolutely filthy and he wanted nothing more right now than to scrub himself raw.

Sunk neck deep into a tubful of hot water he felt differently, and found himself idly wishing that he’d dragged Eren along. 

“You’re too old for this,” he told himself, running a hand down his belly. But it turned out he wasn’t; when he grabbed his erection it felt _good,_ in spite of everything they’d done last night and this morning, and he squeezed himself a few times before letting go. There was no way he’d be able to keep this pace up, but right now he could enjoy it.

He scrubbed head to toe, and shaved in the mirror after, about as relaxed and happy as he could ever remember being. He had finished shaving when he realized he wasn’t looking at himself anymore, and that the reflection in the mirror no longer showed the bathroom.

“You,” he said, stunned. It was the third time, but no less shocking for that.

He gripped the side of the sink, hard, trying to ground himself in reality.

The other Levi looked...almost sad. “You don’t have much time left,” he said.

“I don’t know that I should do it,” he said, out loud. “You could tell me what the risks are.”

_Whatever you choose, there will be a price to pay._

Abruptly the other Levi was gone, along with the mirror, the bathroom, and everything else. Levi was annoyed. That wasn’t an answer.

But then…

He was bodiless again, looking in on another scene, like peeking through the window of someone else’s life. But he knew instinctively that this was different. He wasn’t looking at some other world--he was looking at this one. His world.

He was lying on a bed, in a small anonymous room. Not the room at the inn--but non-descript enough that it could have been anywhere. The future, he thought. But not far into the future--he could see snow outside of the window. A few weeks at the most. 

His body was still, and his face was a waxy ash-colored mask.

Eren sat next to the bed, holding his hand, sobbing over Levi’s lifeless body.

It wasn’t seeing himself that shocked him as much as seeing Eren. That was like a punch to the gut.

He had a number of thoughts all at once. The cough? It had to be. Not healed at all, but worsening to pneumonia, or weakening him enough to be prey to something else.

Eren looked just the same. How long did he have left? Two weeks? Three? He’d never imagined he’d been so close to his own death.

 _You’ve always been good at lying to yourself about the important things,_ a soft internal voice said. His own, or the other Levi’s? It didn't matter, because they were in agreement.

He was like a rope that had frayed and frayed, with only a few strands left until it broke for good

 _If he's alone he’ll have to bury me somewhere and return to the others by himself._ Levi thought. But no, the ground would be too hard. Eren would have to burn his body.

He remembered when he’d been a boy, hardly more than a baby. He’d cried like that, clutching at his mother when he’d realized she was dead.

The thought of Eren experiencing that was intolerable.

He pulled himself bodily out of the vision, unable to stand any more. He was still in the bathroom, hunched over the sink, his chest heaving.

_Whatever you choose, there will be a price to pay._

“Fuck!” he yelled, and he slammed his fist down, pulling the punch at the last second so he wouldn’t smash the porcelain sink. “Fuck.”

And he sank down to his knees. Was he too late? He’d only gotten the second warning telling him where to go yesterday, he thought in protest. 

But he’d wasted a day. And the point beyond which he’d be unable to access the waterfall--and he saw it suddenly, sprung into glorious life before his eyes--was fixed. If he missed it then that other fate was all that was left to him. Inglorious death, only two weeks hence, leaving Eren alone...

His heart broke then, as much for himself as for Eren. To have this, finally--a taste of happiness, before abandoning Eren for good--

But he couldn’t think about that. He _wouldn’t._

He forced himself up and he left the hotel as fast as he could, praying Eren would be there already. He didn’t think he could take it if he wasn’t; every moment was precious now, every second counted.

When he slammed into their room Eren was there, still wet behind the ears from his own bath. Before he could say anything Levi had grabbed him and was crushing him against his own body.

“What happened?” Eren asked, hugging him back hard. And then, answering his own question, “Did it happen again?”

He didn’t say anything.

“Levi? What happened in this one?”

No. He wasn’t going to do that to Eren. The horror of it was fresh in his mind. He shook his head. 

“We’re leaving now.”

“Huh?”

“Get some food from Dessa if you can, we don’t have any time to waste.”

“What about Jean?”

“It doesn’t matter, now. We can’t wait for him.”

Puzzled but obedient Eren began packing up their things while Levi went to collect their horses. He was already calculating in his mind--how far could they travel today, where could they switch horses, how long until they reached the wall. They’d have to head for Trost, that would be their best place to exit Wall Rose with fresh horses, and then after that they’d have to continue on and hope they could outrun any Titans they encountered. It wasn’t worth risking a fight with just the two of them, especially with time running out.

He got the horses from the stable and brought them around to the front door of the inn. Flora came out to stand beside him, her small face mournful as she peered up at him. 

“You’re leaving?”

He reached a hand down to pull her up in front of him, and she grinned reluctantly as he walked the horses back and forth in front of the inn.

“Yes,” he said. 

“I wish you could stay.”

“Thank you for the amulet,” he said, and she nodded solemnly.

“It’s to protect you,” she told him.

He was a little surprised to see Dessa come to the door to say goodbye to him as well, following Eren out. Eren began loading up their saddlebags, working quickly to fit everything in. Dessa came up to take his hand, and he studied her face for a moment.

He’d expected her to blame him for taking Eren away, whether Eren had told her the truth or not. But she squeezed his hand.

“Thank you for bringing her back,” she said. She swung Flora down and made her stand back as Eren came to pack the remaining bags on Levi’s horse.

He nodded. “Thank you for your hospitality. Good bye. Good bye, Flora.”

“Good bye! Good bye!” Flora said, jumping up and down, waving her arms after them.

“Did you tell her?” he asked Eren when they’d ridden clear. 

“No, but she knew,” Eren said wryly.

“What did she say?”

“She told me to be kind to you. She really is grateful that you rescued Flora.”

“I hope she looks after her,” was all Levi said.

 

 

 

It was very late when they stopped for the night--camping, since Levi didn’t want to waste any time finding an inn. He set up the tent and prepared a hasty meal while Eren tended the horses. 

As soon as they were in the tent Eren fell on him like a starving man, and they pulled off their clothes, leaving them in a heap at the foot of the bedroll. 

“You do me,” Eren said. “I wouldn’t have, last night, if I’d known how much riding you were planning today.”

“You didn’t hurt me.”

“No? That’s good. You can hurt me…”

“If you’re going to get weird and kinky I’m not interested.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Eren laughed. “I just meant, I’ll heal--you don’t need to be careful…” and he sounded so wistful that Levi just rolled his eyes and gave it to him hard, like he wanted.

Afterward he was already half asleep, curled comfortably against Eren, when he heard him say, “What happened this morning? Why are we in such a hurry?”

He thought about not answering, but in the end he decided half the truth was enough. “There’s a window...a door, really. Every vision I had, things got a little clearer. If we don’t make it there in time we lose our chance.”

“How long do we have?”

“A few days after the solstice.”

Eren made a face, just barely visible in the dark. “Not much time.”

“No,” Levi agreed sadly.

 

 

 

“We’re going to reach Wall Rose soon,” Eren said the next day.

Levi grimaced. “I know.”

“The horses need to rest. They won’t be able to take us much further at this pace, and there won’t be any more way stations to switch at.”

Levi didn’t answer.

“Once we’re outside, I’ll have to transform if we’re going to make it there in time. Unless you have any other ideas.”

“No.”

“How long will it take to reach the place from your vision?”

“Two or three days beyond Wall Maria.” That was being optimistic--assuming they didn’t run into any problems, assuming they weren’t attacked by Titans, assuming Eren traveled at top speed in his Titan form without much rest. 

Eren sighed. “It doesn’t give us much time to stop,” he said. And he pulled Levi to him, kissing him until he pulled away and made them move on.

 

 

 

The few minutes they could steal for sex or sleep weren’t enough to distract him from the clock ticking down in his head. He knew what was waiting for him--for them--if the door closed before they could reach it. The horror of knowing hadn’t lessened any as the days passed. He was starting to feel something black and dangerous had taken root in his chest, and Eren fretted over him at night, wishing for more medicines. The ones they’d brought had run out. 

“It won’t matter once we get there,” Levi said, trying to be reassuring. Eren nodded but Levi could see the frown hadn’t left his face. He only half-believed in this place; he was following Levi out of habit more than anything else. And although he hadn’t brought it up again he’d sensed that there was something Levi hadn’t told him.

 

 

 

The morning-- _the_ morning--Levi woke up coughing, and he wiped away blood from his mouth. He tucked the handkerchief away where Eren wouldn’t see it, which was no easy feat when Eren was still half wrapped around him.

“You okay?”

“Yes. We’re close. We’re almost there.”

“Today?”

“Yes, today.”

They’d strung up a hammock high in the branches of a tree, both of them sleeping lightly and wary of the danger a large approaching Titan would pose. But they’d been undisturbed all night; waking regularly to hear only the noises from animals and birds.

They packed up quickly and when Eren tried to transform Levi stopped him.

“There aren’t any Titans here. That’s strange, don’t you think?”

At Eren’s uncomprehending look, he said, “We’ve already crossed the border. There aren’t Titans here. You can’t transform.” He wasn’t sure what would happen if Eren tried; only that it would be bad.

They walked, packs slung over their back. Eren insisted on carrying most of their equipment, but after an hour his breath was starting to get short.

Oddly, Levi was feeling better. 

The air was warmer, too. There was even green grass on the ground. He dropped his bags, and helped Eren take his off. They landed on the grass with a soft thud. 

“I don’t think we’ll need them anymore,” Levi said. “And if we do they’ll be here when we get back. From now on, don’t let go of my hand.”

They kept going, but it was getting more difficult. Eren was struggling to press on, as if the air were too thick to breathe, and too dense to move through. Levi didn’t struggle but he could _feel_ the difference as something indescribable--almost like an electric charge on his skin, or a strange taste at the back of his mouth, but really like neither of those things. As though some new sense had just awoken.

He squeezed Eren’s hand, and after the second time Eren stumbled to his knees he picked him up and carried him, tossing him back over one shoulder. Eren protested feebly--and Levi supposed it was a little ridiculous, Eren had at least six inches on him--but Levi ignored him and kept walking. He felt fine--he felt good.

The sun was so warm now he’d stopped to take his jacket off--awkward, since he’d needed to keep one hand on Eren all the time. He wasn’t sure what would happen if he didn’t hold on to him, but that too was not something he wanted to find out. He’d been invited here, and Eren hadn’t. But that was a thought he ignored.

He kept walking. The air smelled fresh and clean, and in the distance he could hear something noisy, the sound of running water. 

“I don’t think I’m supposed to be here,” Eren said dizzily, at his back.

“Too bad,” Levi replied. Whoever had invited him should have known better.

He kept walking, and although it had been several hours since they’d started out that morning he came upon it almost suddenly. One moment they had been walking through the trees, and the next the vista had opened up--wide.

They were on the far side of the waterfall, standing on the top of a cliff face looking directly at it. Levi put Eren down. It was all right now--that strange heavy charge had left the air. Eren would be okay here. He walked to the edge of the cliff and peered down, to where the water churned and pooled hundreds of meters below. At least twice as high again as the height of the Walls, he thought. 

He was delighted that he could feel spray against his skin, even here. The water hung in the air, collecting rainbows. He licked his lips, tasting the clean sweetness of it. It tasted like nothing he’d ever known. If he’d had any doubts about this they were gone now.

This place was older than time--older than the world. No one but he could have found it today, and tomorrow it would be gone. Disappearing again, until the right series of events brought it close again. Not really gone--but unreachable from this world.

He stood there, for the first time in his life feeling whole, without fear, without despair, without pain. He turned to look at Eren, wanting to share it with him.

But Eren was still crouched where he’d left him. He smiled wanly when he saw Levi looking.

“What’s the matter?” Levi asked, coming back over.

“I don’t think I was supposed to come with you,” Eren said, in a voice that wavered just a little.

“It’s all right now,” Levi told him. He took him by the hand, and brought him over to the cliff edge.

“What--what are you going to do?” Eren asked.

“Why are you afraid?” Levi asked tenderly. “Everything’s going to be all right now. We made it here in time. Tomorrow it would have been too late.”

Eren nodded, looking far from reassured. “Why--today?”

Levi smiled. “The door opens at the solstice,” he said. “I think--the boundaries are thinner then. Once this place was here all the time.” He didn’t know how he knew that; he just did.

“Now, only for a few days, before and after the solstice. Today’s the last day. It’s my birthday,” he added absently.

“Happy birthday,” Eren said, bemusedly. “I didn’t know it was your birthday today. What are you--what are we going to do?”

“Jump,” Levi said simply.

Eren looked at the drop, one hundred meters or so below. “We’ll die,” he said. “Well, you will. I might survive.”

“We won’t, Eren,” Levi said gently. He didn’t know how to reassure him, but though any anxiety he might have felt was far away, banished by the magic of the place, he knew that he had to find a way to comfort Eren and make him understand.

Absently he put one hand in his pocket and his fingers closed, perplexingly, on the little object they found there. He pulled it out to find the token, the amulet that Flora had given him and he smiled. 

“Here,” he said, putting it into Eren’s hand.

Eren opened his hand and then he looked at it and smiled. “You’ve got it backwards,” he said. “I’m supposed to give you a gift.” He kissed Levi, and Levi took his hand again.

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

“Then trust me now.”

“I will. If you tell me why--whatever it is you’re not telling me.”

Levi hesitated for a moment, only to find that even that horror had no power here. It had been excised from their timeline; in making it here he had ensured that it would never happen.

“In that last vision I saw the two of us. I had died. It was only two weeks away. Maybe even less.”

Eren’s breath caught, and Levi squeezed his hand harder. “It won’t happen anymore,” he said. “It’s gone. But when I saw it I knew we had to come.”

Given courage by the knowledge that everything they had known was about to change, he said something he would never have otherwise said aloud, “You shouldn’t have to live in a world without my protection.”

Eren looked back at him with more love than Levi had ever seen. He held his hand tightly, the point of connection that would carry them together to whatever came next.

They jumped.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Timeline deviates from canon, but consider there to be major spoilers throughout the manga.

He’s in his old room, in Mitras. He’s sitting at his desk.

For a long time he’s dizzy, and he has to reconcile to himself that this is reality, not a dream, not a vision. There are papers on his desk but he can’t read them.

When he tries to stand up he loses his balance immediately, and he falls to the ground and stays there gasping for a long time.

 

 

 

 

“Hanji,” Levi said.

“Levi! You look terrible, did you go out drinking last night too?” Hanji asked absently. She was at a long bench, fiddling with a thunder spear, and looking at her he felt an overwhelming rush of emotion pass through him.

The last time he’d seen her she’d been lying dead on a battlefield.

“Hanji, come help me sit down,” he said.

She looked up sharply then, adjusting her glasses on her face. Levi was clinging to the doorframe, leaning heavily against it.

She crossed the room and took his arm, helping him to a chair. 

“What happened?” she asked, suddenly brusque and no-nonsense.

“Shut the door.” 

She shut it and dragged a chair over to sit next to him, leaning close, wide-eyed and serious. He looked at her, feeling profound sadness and joy. He remembered how much he loved her; she was his irritating sister, his trusted colleague, his friend. He realized, all over again, what he’d lost when they’d all died, and he’d been left alone to manage things without them.

“Levi are you _crying?”_ Hanji said in total disbelief. “What happened? Tell me who’s responsible for this!” she demanded.

He leaned back, not crying after all but laughing, and she frowned.

“Are you drunk?” she tried again.

“Hanji, listen to me,” he said slowly. “What I’m going to tell you is going to sound crazy, but I need you to listen, okay? And don’t say anything to anybody else.”

“Okay,” she said immediately, carefully studying his face.

He spun out a story for her--leaving certain, enormous things out: his relationship with Eren, his devastation and depression after the loss of the Survey Corp. He told her what was going to happen during the next battle. He told her what they needed to do.

When he had finished she leaned back in her chair, blowing out a long, low whistle.

“Have you talked to Eren?” she asked. “Not that I don’t believe you, but it would help to have some corroboration.”

“No. Is he here?” Levi sighed. “I couldn’t remember if he was in the Capital or not, right now.”

“And the modifications you’re suggesting for the weapons are easy enough to implement,” she continued, half to herself, adjusting her glasses and picking up one of the thunder spears. “Yes, he’s here. I’ll send for him, is that all right?”

“Yes,” Levi said. It would be a relief to see Eren anyway, to have someone to share this madness with, though he hoped Eren wasn’t in as bad shape as he was. He felt like he’d been run over by a Titan three or four times.

Hanji got up, striding over to the door. She opened it and yelled until one of her soldiers came running. “Go and find Eren and bring him down here,” she said. “Do you want some water, Levi?”

He nodded, holding his aching head, and Hanji poured some out from a pitcher on her desk. 

“Shouldn’t we tell Erwin?” she asked.

“No. Not now, anyway.”

It seemed like a long time before Eren came back.

“You wanted me, Squad Leader?” he asked, looking curiously from Hanji to Levi.

Levi stared at him. It took only a moment for him to understand, and then he could have laughed: loud and bitter.

The other Levi had warned him, after all: _Whatever you choose, there will be a price to pay._

This was the child he remembered, but not the man he’d grown to love. That Eren was gone. He hadn’t made it back with Levi.

“Hanji,” he said, forestalling anything else, “it’s all right. I’ll be fine on my own.” It was a flimsy excuse, but the first thing that popped into his head.

She looked at him sharply.

“Wait outside a moment, please, Eren,” Hanji said, still looking at Levi.

Puzzled, he glanced between the two of them and then stepped out again, shutting the door.

“It’s not him,” Hanji said. “I mean, it’s Eren--but not from--er, your timeline.”

He nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

“Do you think I’m crazy?”

“No. You’re the least delusional person I’ve ever met,” Hanji said matter-of-factly, leaning against the bench. “I think unless something convinces me otherwise I have to take everything you’ve said as the truth.” She thought for a moment. “We have some time--we need to prepare before Erwin plans to set out. Right now I really think you should go and rest, Levi, you do look terrible. We can talk more tomorrow. I’ll tell him you’ve got a migraine and you need help getting back to your room--that I’m insisting. Eh?”

He waved a hand in acknowledgment, and she went out to the hall to talk to Eren.

“Listen Eren,” she said out of Levi’s earshot, “the Captain’s not feeling well. He’s got a migraine. I want you to get him back to his room, and then make sure he’s comfortable--get him some tea and something to eat, okay?”

“Uh, _me?”_ Eren squeaked in alarm.

She frowned, and poked a finger in his chest. “Yes, you! You’re on his Squad, aren’t you for goodness sake!”

“But--” Eren said, looking fearfully towards the half open door.

“Oh, Eren, really, he’s not going to _bite_ you,” Hanji said blithely, dragging him along with her.

Eren swallowed and walked towards his Captain--but Hanji was right, Levi really did seem ill. Without a word Levi held out his hand, and Eren helped him up. 

“Just give me your arm,” Levi said when he was standing.

He leaned on Eren all the way back to his room, and by the time they'd made it back Eren was really concerned.

“I’ll get you some tea,” he told Levi. “I'll be back in a minute.”

He raced down to the kitchens, thinking hard. He wondered if Levi really did have a migraine like Hanji’d said. He'd never seen Levi looking so ill, not even after he'd hurt his leg.

He'd seemed sad too.

Eren came back as quick as he could, bringing a tray with the tea and some biscuits he’d found, ginger ones and little fruit-filled ones.

He nodded at Eren, _thanks, you can go,_ but Eren still had the sense that something was terribly wrong.

He crouched down in front of the Captain, balancing on his heels. 

“Are you okay, sir?” he asked timidly.

Levi smiled faintly at him, and for just a moment Eren had an eerie feeling that he wasn't looking at Levi at all. Then it faded, and he scolded himself for being ridiculous--Levi was just sick, that was all.

“I'll be fine,” he said quietly. “Thank you.”

Eren frowned but he nodded reluctantly and stood up, promising himself he'd come back in a few hours to see if Levi needed anything.

When Eren had gone Levi closed his eyes in pain. He sat there, breathing through it the same way he would have if it had been a physical injury. Then he made himself drink the tea and eat a few of the biscuits; it did help, a little.

He’d always been good at keeping himself a little separate from everyone else. It had kept him from falling apart when things went to shit. When he lost people he cared about. 

He’d known he was far too attached to Eren--but somehow he’d failed to realize how much that attachment had _changed_ him. Eren had crept up on him over the years; stubborn and insistent he’d forced his way into Levi’s life, fitting in around Levi’s jagged edges, making a place for himself. 

Eren had been the other half of his life, for at least the last five years.

He didn’t even try to tell himself that Eren was fine, that Eren was _here,_ because Eren as he’d known him was gone, and he wouldn’t ever be coming back. The kind of intimacy that had developed between them had only been possible because of the losses they’d suffered together--the trials they’d faced. And that was the life he’d come here specifically to prevent from happening.

The boy that was here now--that boy deserved the chance to become whatever he might have been in a happier life. Levi wasn’t nearly conceited enough to think that he was a part of that.

 

 

 

 

The next day he didn’t feel any better. He woke with that same savage grief threatening to tear him in half. He'd never experienced a longing like this. But he was back in control of himself. He tucked the pain into himself, pushed it down, and then he went to talk to Hanji. 

Erwin had announced when they would be leaving, and the officers pooled their resources together to give the kids a banquet. Levi broke up a fight between Jean and Eren at dinner with a strange sense of deja vu, though he couldn’t remember with certainty if he’d done it before. 

Later he found himself eavesdropping on a conversation the kids were having, talking about the ocean, adventures, another life.

 _That’s the life they’ll have a chance at now,_ he told himself, and he leaned back and closed his eyes. It was cold comfort.

Idly, he wondered if he’d survive this time. Things would be different immediately; their entire strategy would change. Hopefully it would give them the upper hand, but beyond a certain point he wouldn’t be able to rely on his knowledge of the past anymore.

 

 

 

 

“I’m sorry, Erwin,” Levi said, crouching beside his oldest friend.

Erwin stared at him in disbelief, struggling against the gag and the ropes that bound him. 

“We’re going to lock you in,” Levi continued in apology. “But I left instructions for the Reeves corporation to come and free you in two days if we’re not back by then.” He stood up.

“You probably think I’ve gone crazy. I haven’t, though what I’m about to tell you is going to sound like madness. I can’t explain it all now. But you don’t survive this battle; neither does Hanji. Only a handful of us escape.” Levi paused to let this sink in, watching his friend sadly. “The future isn’t bright, Erwin. Without your leadership the Corp disbands; Historia’s government goes into exile, and the kingdom falls into unrest and civil war within the year. Somewhere between a quarter and a third of our population dies in the next five years.

“That’s where I come from. I’ve already lived through it once, and I can’t do it again. I can’t watch you make the same mistakes you made the first time. You’re blinded by your ambition to reach the basement--” he nodded, when Erwin’s eyes widened. “Yes, I know about that. You told me. You underestimated our enemy. To our sorrow,” he added quietly. He reached out to squeeze Erwin’s shoulder. 

“I’m sorry, my friend. I hope we meet again. If we both live through this, whatever punishment you think up for me will be worth it.”

 

 

 

 

Hanji took command of the Survey Corp before they set out. Everyone was surprised--it was difficult to believe that Erwin would step back at the last minute; still more difficult to believe that he’d let them leave without even seeing them off.

But Hanji’s confidence buoyed them all, especially with Levi’s support behind her. Erwin’s absence was the only bump they encountered on their journey out. Hanji had given them all new instructions that morning and they murmured to each other that Erwin must have found something out--that he had some even greater stratagem for this that they couldn’t understand.

When they reached Shinganshina they spread out along the Wall as they’d been instructed, and Levi went to one spot in particular. He nodded at Hanji, and then the soldiers that had been waiting covered their mouths with masks and dropped to the hole Levi had silently pointed out, tossing in the canisters of poisoned gas they’d been given.

Within seconds Bertolt and Reiner had emerged, coughing and sputtering, and neither Hanji nor Levi hesitated. For once they had an advantage.

“Whoa!” Jean yelled. He and the rest of Levi’s Squad were just out of the way, close enough to watch it all. Levi had told them what to do if he and Hanji failed, but it didn’t look like they were going to need to step in at all.

“Holy shit,” Connie said, dumbfounded.

“How the hell did they know they were in there!?”

“Are they really dead?”

“Unless they can regenerate their _heads.”_

“Come on, don’t waste time,” Eren said grimly. “We’ve got to plug the hole in the wall.” He flew off with the maneuver gear, knowing the others would follow him, and tried to ignore the pain in his traitorous heart. In spite of what he knew there was still a part of him that remembered Bertolt and Reiner had been friends once.

 

 

 

 

“Whew!” Hanji said, when they were safely back on top of the Wall.

“It’s not over yet,” Levi reminded her. He had already shifted his attention beyond the Wall.

The Beast Titan had appeared, with reinforcements. Levi wondered how long it would take before the thing realized that Bertolt and Reiner were dead. 

He knew that things had suddenly gotten a lot riskier--he had changed things, and while he knew what had happened in the previous timeline, he didn’t know what impact his changes were going to have now.

“Just as you said,” Hanji murmured, staring at the Beast. “We’ll implement the second part of the plan now.” She hesitated, just for a moment, then said urgently, “Levi, are you _sure_...?”

He smiled faintly at her. In general he was completely honest, but he’d lied to Hanji about a few things. He’d decided that he’d settle for nothing less than Erwin, Hanji, and Eren all surviving this battle; if that was greedy, he didn’t care. He wasn’t doing it for himself. He was doing it because he believed it was the only shot humanity had. 

“Give the order,” he said, and though he saw the misgiving in her eyes she nodded.

 

 

 

 

Eren and the rest of Levi’s Squad had made it to the hole in the Wall. Eren transformed while the others covered him. 

When Eren reached the hole he felt as though his whole life had been building up to that moment. He couldn’t believe how lucky they’d been so far; guided as if by some divine hand to victory. It was too soon to celebrate, but he had to wrestle down his excitement as he put his Titan hands out to the jagged edges of the hole. He knew he could do this; he’d practiced with Hanji.

When he’d finished he pulled out of the Titan and flew _up_. When he was safely on a rooftop he stepped back to look at his handiwork, and then he gave a roar of triumph.

But when he turned to share his happiness with the others, he saw that they were looking elsewhere. All their attention was focused back in the direction they had come.

Beyond the Wall he could see thick black smoke--dozens of flares that had been set off all at once, clouding the air.

“Something’s not right,” he heard Mikasa say. Without needing to speak they headed back, moving as quickly as they could.

 

 

 

 

“Where is he?” Erwin said. His voice was tightly controlled, but Hanji heard the anger in it.

It was two days after the battle had ended. She’d been woken up only minutes before, when one of the sentries had seen the riders in the distance, and she stood on top of the Wall facing her commander. She’d hastily put on her uniform and pinned back her hair, though not well enough to keep the stiff morning breeze from blowing strands of it around her face.

Something must have shown on her face, because something quickly changed in his; the anger was replaced by fear.

“No, Hanji,” he said, as if a firm denial would sway her.

“Come with me,” she said quietly. They’d started cleaning up one of the buildings closest to the Wall to use as a base of operations, and that was where she led him. He climbed the narrow stairs behind her, and she reached out to open a door, revealing a small, sparsely furnished room.

He noticed two things right away; Levi, lying still in a bed, and Eren, asleep in a chair beside him, his head propped up on his hand.

“Eren!” Hanji said in surprise, and that startled him awake; he did a double take when he saw Erwin.

“Squad Lead--Commander,” he said, glancing guiltily at them.

“What are you doing here?” she asked him.

He shrugged, looking embarrassed. “I didn’t want him to be alone when he wakes up,” he muttered.

Hanji looked troubled. “It’s still early, Eren,” she said gently. “Go and get some sleep in your own bed while you can.”

Reluctantly he nodded, casting one last look at Levi before he left.

When he was gone they were alone in the room together and Hanji sighed.

“Hanji?” Erwin asked. He approached the bed, to survey his friend’s condition. Levi was naked under the sheet, and Erwin could see the mottled bruises covering his skin, that probably indicated some major internal injuries. His skin was sallow and grey, and Erwin reached out a hand to gently touch his cheek.

“I haven’t told him yet,” she admitted quietly. “Or anyone else.” She rubbed a tear away from her eye, and collapsed into the chair Eren had just vacated.

“He’s not going to recover, Erwin. He hasn’t woken up. When we found him there was swelling in his brain--I drilled a tiny hole in his skull, to try and relieve the pressure, but…”

Erwin nodded absently. Brain injuries were among the most serious; trepanning worked, sometimes, and sometimes it didn’t. They didn’t know why.

“He doesn’t respond to anything--hot, cold, pain, touch, noise, no stimuli at all. He’s incontinent. We haven’t been able to get him to eat anything. We can just dribble a little water into him and he’ll take it, but that seems to be an automatic reflex.

“I wanted--I don’t know. I suppose I was hoping for a miracle. I didn’t want to give up on him. But I think it’s cruel to keep him alive like this. It’s not what he would want.”

“Hanji,” he said, shaking his head in remorse and sorrow. “Why? What crazy thing did he say to you to make you go along with this?”

She laughed, short and mirthless. “Well, it’s a long story, Erwin,” she said. “Maybe you’d better have a seat yourself.”

 

 

 

 

He hadn’t gone to his own bed like Hanji had told him to, but had stayed lurking nearby. Sometime later Hanji left, but Erwin didn't come out for another hour. 

Eren quietly slipped back in as soon as he left.

He stared at Levi for a long time. He hadn’t meant to eavesdrop. It had just sort of happened. As soon as Hanji had said how bad Levi really was--that there was no chance of him recovering--he had lost it. He had bawled quietly into his arms so they wouldn't hear him, and hadn’t been able to listen to anything else.

Levi had been the first person to make him feel normal again, after he’d gained his Titan powers. It had been a combination of flippant contempt and real kindness, but eventually, following the Captain’s lead, Eren’s teammates had learned to trust him.

He had saved Eren’s life, and rescued him from extraordinary dangers, but he had also been there for all the ordinary everyday struggles too. Eren hadn’t even realized how much he’d come to rely on Levi’s friendship and advice--how often a word or a nudge or a touch from the Captain had kept him going on a day he’d been struggling.

He came close to the bed, to take Levi’s hand in his--something he’d never done in his life. Somehow it was both rougher and smoother than he’d expected. He could feel the callouses on Levi’s hand, the tough skin that had been formed by a lifetime of swordsmanship and heavy use of the maneuver gear. 

“You have to wake up,” he whispered, and he laid his head down onto the bed, next to Levi’s still body, and without meaning to he began to cry.

 

 

 

 

Hanji quickly realized that the biggest obstacle, once she and Erwin had decided what needed to be done, was going to be prying Eren loose.

He sat at Levi’s bedside all hours, like a loyal dog, and when one of them shooed him off he was back again as soon as their backs were turned.

Hanji’d tried to explain to him, the next day--it would be kinder just to let Levi slip away, that he wasn’t going to get better--and she’d expected a lot of things from him: tears, anger, yelling.

He’d surprised her by staying calm and turning the tables on her. “If I was in the bed, and he was here,” he asked, “Would you say that to him?”

She was flummoxed; all she could think to reply with was, “Well, he doesn’t have your healing abilities, Eren,” but it sounded lame even to her own ears. It was the first time she’d been faced with the full force of Eren’s determination, and she found herself unequal to it.

She tried to enlist Mikasa and Armin’s help, but that didn’t go how she’d planned either. Mikasa had apparently already resigned herself to picking up the pieces when Eren inevitably flipped out after Levi died; beyond that she wasn’t willing to interfere. Armin reluctantly agreed to _talk_ to Eren, but it didn’t seem to do much good.

If it were up to Hanji and Erwin they’d just stop giving Levi water; in a few days he’d quietly stop breathing. She’d tried to explain to Eren that it would be kinder than letting Levi waste away to nothing, but he wouldn’t hear it. Short of knocking Eren over the head and smothering Levi there didn’t seem to be anything they could do to stop it, and that wasn’t something either of them had the stomach for.

There was also something else, another reason she was unwilling to push too hard. But it was so strange she hadn’t told Erwin about it--or anyone else. After Levi had brought down the Beast Titan she had searched the battlefield for him, riding out on her horse with the others. It had been cloudy with smoke and dust and steam, and she’d first noticed Levi because she’d thought someone else had gotten to him first.

She’d seen a figure crouched by his side--holding his hand. It had looked like Eren. She’d been puzzled how Eren could have gotten there so quickly when she knew she had set out before him.

But when she’d gotten closer she’d seen that Levi was alone--and she’d met Eren and the rest of Levi’s Squad soon after, when she’d started hollering for a stretcher, so it couldn't have been him that she'd seen.

She could have believed that she’d imagined it--just a mirage, brought on by the clouds of dust and smoke, and her heightened anxiety.

Except for one thing. Before he had disappeared the figure had looked right at her--looked into her eyes, and smiled. Her heart had stilled, because she had seen that it _was_ Eren, undeniably, but Eren at least five years older. Impossible. And then a gust of smoke had covered her eyes, and when she'd flung herself off the horse to land by Levi's side he'd been alone--with no one anywhere nearby.

 

 

 

 

As soon as he’d understood how dire Levi’s condition was, as soon as he’d established to himself the parameters of what had happened, and allowed the grief in, the other thought had bobbed up. He had resisted it for as long as he could, but when he emerged from Levi’s room in search of Hanji it was the first thing he asked her.

“Hanji,” he said. “The basement.”

She’d looked at him sadly, and he’d shaken his head, refusing to believe it.

She took him to the site--the former site--of the Jaeger home. It was nothing but rubble.

“As near as we can figure,” she told him gently, “It was destroyed in the original attack on the city, years ago. I’ve had soldiers sorting through the rubble, the past few days--” and she pointed to the street, where objects had been arrayed in neat rows by type--“but so far, we haven’t found anything yet. I’m sorry, Erwin.”

He nodded without speaking. So Levi had been right about his ambition after all--and Levi had sacrificed himself to save the rest of them from Erwin’s ego.

He dutifully poked through the rows of glass, cracked bricks, stones, and other assorted flotsam that the soldiers had been sorting through, but he already knew there would be nothing there. He’d been blinded by his own foolishness, just as Levi had said, nearly dooming them all in the process. But it was Levi who had paid the price.

 

 

 

 

Eren gave Levi honey mixed with water, and bone broth; he slept in Levi’s room; he changed the sheets on the bed, and he turned Levi’s body every few hours. He was a little surprised by how much he remembered about nursing. His mother had helped his father with patients when necessary, and he’d sometimes come along. Maybe it was being back in Shinganshina that had brought the memories back.

He had gone along with Hanji to his old house that first day--showed them where it was.

“Eren--” Hanji had said, staring at the piles of rubble. “You’re sure…”

But Armin and Mikasa had confirmed it. They had tried to console him for the loss, but he hadn’t cared. It didn't matter to him anymore. Whatever secrets his father had been keeping, they weren’t more important to him than Levi’s life.

He spent that first week clinging to his denial as he cared for Levi, and he only knew how much time had passed because Mikasa told him when she came by with his knapsack. To Eren it had felt like one long endless day. 

The scarf was covering the lower half of her face. “I got your clothes cleaned,” she told him neutrally as she handed him the backpack.

“Thanks,” he muttered guiltily, taking it from her.

“Will you come and eat dinner with us at least?”

He wanted to say no but he nodded, sticking his bag in a corner of the room and following her downstairs. 

Slowly they were reclaiming the town. Erwin had brought some supplies back with him, but he’d sent for more. It was hard to keep everyone fed out here, but the local wildlife had rebounded in the absence of any human presence. Sasha went out every day with a few other scouts to hunt, so they were actually eating quite well.

He didn’t like taking his meals with the others because it reminded him of how close Levi was to death. Ironic, since he spent most of his time with Levi--Levi’s still and quiet body. But it was true. There, he could pretend that Levi would recover. With the others--seeing the real grief not just of his friends, but of the entire Corp--it was impossible for him not to share in their despair. Levi was the indestructible heart of the Corp--Humanity's Strongest. He was the one everyone could count on. Seeing them all--the soldiers who had survived--murmuring in grief-stricken voices, wiping away tears--you'd think they were coming away from a defeat, not a victory.

He slipped away when he couldn’t bear it anymore. 

“I know you can recover,” he muttered, safely back in Levi's room. Though was wasn't sure who he was speaking to. 

He pawed open the knapsack to give himself something to do, trying not to sniffle. His neatly folded shirts fell across the floor, and he picked them up and put them back in again. He went through the outer pockets, looking for a handkerchief, and he pulled out a little stone. For a moment he was baffled; then he remembered.

The morning that Hanji had suddenly called him down to her workshop and asked him to help Levi back to his room, Erwin had already made the announcement that they were leaving. He’d been planning to go out anyway, to buy an amulet to pray for success for the mission, but that afternoon in the marketplace when he’d finally found one (it had taken awhile--apparently they weren’t as popular here as they had been in Shinganshina when he’d been young) he’d found himself thinking of Levi instead. He’d been worried about the Captain. Fingering the amulet he’d found himself praying for Levi’s safe return, instead of their general success.

He looked at the amulet now, staring bleakly at the face of Maria, carved in profile, and then he squeezed his hand shut and sat down in the chair.

 

 

 

 

He was half-drowsing. He’d dream about something for a minute or two, and then wake up, crack his spine, shift over, turn his head, fall back to sleep, all without interrupting the gentle flow of his thoughts. The same thought or memory would carry over from waking to sleeping, transform, and carry him somewhere else.

He was remembering Shadis for some reason, telling him about how his father and mother had met. It wasn’t the part of the story that had really stuck with him at the time, but he found himself remembering that Shadis had said his father had found a cure for a plague, distributing medicine he’d created to the townspeople.

Then it was Hanji, questioning him about his healing, using a stopwatch to time the rate at which a cut on his hand had healed.

Levi, looking after him after he’d worn himself out practicing his hardening abilities with Hanji. Telling Hanji to be careful, not to push Eren beyond the limits of what his body was capable of.

He woke up when the stone fell from his hand and hit the ground, and then he sat there, frozen.

Sometimes he dreamed of things that were genius, and then when he woke up he’d find that whatever the thing was--whatever perfect solution it had been to some impossible problem-- would turn out to be utter nonsense. Armin had assured him once that it happened to everybody, that the dreaming mind simply couldn't distinguish what was reality from what wasn't. There was no logic in dreams. 

He sat there breathing harshly in the darkness, waiting for that to happen this time. It didn’t.

It was a crazy idea. Levi would have been horrified if he’d known what Eren was contemplating, but right now Levi wasn’t in a position to know _anything._

He should have gone and found Hanji, woken her up and asked her about it, but he found that he couldn’t. It was the first idea he’d had that wasn’t just waiting for Levi to wake up by himself. He was afraid she’d think it was stupid--that she’d try to tell him in a really kind and gentle way. 

Then he’d be back here on his own, back to where he’d started. But if he just _did_ it…

He’d be doing _something._ He’d even be able to hope for a few minutes that it might work.

 

 

 

 

The kitchen they’d been using was dark; everyone was in bed now. But the fire was banked, and he stirred it up enough to make some tea. It was so quiet. He moved in the darkness, finding things by touch and memory, before at last arranging them on a tray.

A knife. The teapot. The honey jar. Two cups.

He went back upstairs. He poured a cup for himself, then one for Levi which he liberally sweetened with honey. He sipped his while he waited for Levi’s to cool, staring out of the window instead of at the bed. 

He didn’t think. He tried not to, anyway.

When the tea had cooled he stood up and went over to the bed. He hesitated, clenching the knife in his hand, and then he sliced across his wrist in one smooth motion, moving forward quickly so that none of the blood fell onto the bed.

He pressed his wrist to Levi’s mouth, letting the drops fall there. He poured the cooled tea into Levi’s mouth, waited to hear him swallow. The cut had healed already, and he opened it again, repeating the process until the cup was empty. He sat back down in the chair. 

Levi hadn’t moved. Eren looked at him for a long time before falling back to sleep.

 

 

 

 

“Eren.”

He was dreaming, and he heard Levi’s voice.

“Hey. Eren.” 

It was that note of impatience that usually preceded some corrective act of violence during training; Eren had learned to instinctively obey it over the last few months, and he lurched forward into awareness, almost falling out of the chair.

“Ahhhh,” he said, incoherently.

Levi was looking at him, eyes narrowed. “Why are you still up?” he asked, as if this were a reasonable question. He flopped over, so that his back was to Eren, and grumbled, “Come to bed already.”

Eren stared at Levi’s back for a minute, trying to formulate some kind of response and found he couldn’t. Then he very carefully climbed into the bed. 

Levi seemed to expect him to lie down right behind him. He’d made room. Very, very slowly Eren did. He would have thought he was still dreaming, but he knew his imagination wasn’t this good--he’d never been so close to Levi’s body like _this_ \--not to hold and touch. Levi was still naked under the sheets of course; very slowly and carefully Eren reached out a hand and put it somewhat safely on Levi’s ribcage.

“Where were you earlier?”

“Uh...here?” Eren said.

Levi turned his head to look at him, squinting. “You’ve been gone a long time,” he said. His voice was neutral--well, for anyone else it would have been neutral. For Levi there were vague hints of accusation and petulance.

“I’m...sorry,” Eren said.

“Hmph,” Levi said, and he laid his head back on the pillow.

 _What the hell,_ Eren thought, and then because he had no idea what to do he thought it several more times, really loudly.

He remembered then about the trepanning--Hanji’d said Levi had had swelling in his brain; maybe it had caused some kind of damage, but…

 _But what kind of brain damage would make Levi tell Eren to get into bed with him!_ Like it was normal!

But he had woken up! His idea had to have worked, at least a little. He could feel Levi’s ribs, feel the rise and fall of his chest with each breath. He couldn’t sleep at all; he was too full of tension and anxiety and joy and confusion; he wanted to hug Levi tightly and ask him a million questions. Instead he kept his hand where it was, just light pressure, and didn’t move until morning.

 

 

 

 

Towards dawn he must have drifted off, because he woke with a start and stared at Levi, still fast asleep beside him.

 _It was real,_ he told himself, but already he didn’t believe it. The conversation they’d had last night had been so strange--so unlike any other.

It was too fantastic. Now that he was awake and light was filtering into the room he saw that the whole thing had had the crazy reality of a dream. Suppose he’d just been dreaming it all night long, one hopeful dream flowering into another.

“Levi,” he whispered, but the older man didn’t stir, not then or when he spoke up more loudly or when he shook his arm. Eren got out of the bed, clutching his head and trying not to scream in frustration.

Was he losing it?

He dropped his arms and went back down to the kitchen, quickly repeating his prior actions, before anyone turned up to start making breakfast.

He put the tray down back in Levi’s room and stared at him. He hadn’t moved. 

“You’re a fucking moron,” he told himself, pressing his hands hard to his eyes. Then, moving with determination he poured out two cups of tea, liberally dosing one with honey. He sipped the other while waiting for it to cool, and stared at the knife on the table.

 

 

 

 

“Eren.”

Eren opened his eyes. It was later now--some time had passed, and he was sitting in the chair again. Levi was sitting up in the bed, looking at him. His eyes were lucid and clear. 

“Are you--is it really you?” Eren asked.

“Where are my pants, Eren,” Levi said dangerously, and Eren felt his heart surge with love and devotion; it was of course the most Levi-like thing he could have said just then.

“I’ll--I’ll get them,” Eren replied, scrambling up to grab the clothes, to keep from throwing himself into Levi’s arms. His heart was pounding. _Levi was awake. He was okay._

_It worked. It worked. It worked._

He watched Levi get dressed. He tried to look away, to give his commanding officer some privacy, but his eyes kept darting back to Levi of their own accord, drinking in the sight of him. It was hard, no, _impossible_ to believe. He’d spent all week wishing so hard for Levi to wake up, to move, to do _anything_ and now here he was, moving slow but sure. 

“All right,” Levi sat down on the bed, looking tired just from that. Eren sidled over. “Tell me.”

“Uh. I sealed the Wall, and we fixed the gate. We’re still in Shinganshina...you killed the Beast Titan, and Hanji didn’t want to move you because you were hurt so bad, and...Erwin’s here…”

“Mm,” Levi said. He was gazing thoughtfully into the distance, as if he was looking at something far away, or something inside his own head. “You did something.”

It wasn’t a question. _How did he know!_

Eren squirmed, then protested, “Okay, but I wouldn’t have, it’s just nothing was working and Hanji said you were going to die, and--”

Eren had clenched up his hands in his lap, and Levi calmly reached over to pry one of them open--the one he’d cut open again that morning, in fact. Eren went abruptly silent as he stared at their clasped hands, his heart speeding up again.

“I, um.”

“Just tell me,” Levi said, gently.

So Eren did; explaining about the dreams he’d had, the idea that had come to him.

“I thought, maybe, my blood would heal you. That I could share my healing with you, I guess. I had to try. I’m sorry.”

“Why are you apologizing for saving my life?” Levi asked, bemused.

“Oh--” Eren blushed. “I don’t know--I didn’t think you’d like it when you found out,” he mumbled.

“I’m only here to find out because you did do it,” Levi told him. What he thought was, _I’ve had much grosser fluids of yours inside my body,_ but he kept that to himself. It was so strange. Sitting vigil by his bedside for a week--that was something he’d expect from Eren, but _his_ Eren, not this one. 

This wasn’t the callous, overzealous teenager he'd thought he’d remembered.

Eren was flushed. He kept looking down to where Levi was still holding his hand, and Levi knew he ought to let him go but he didn’t. What he wanted to do was grab Eren and kiss him, and he knew he had to ride the feeling out, let it settle.

Once he’d begun fighting the Beast Titan he hadn’t expected to survive. He’d been fighting for the others, but not for himself, not for his own life. 

He’d been wrong about Eren. How much--in what ways--he didn’t know yet.

“There’s,” Levi said, swallowing, to get his mind on something else. “There’s--did you have an amulet? Or am I going crazy?”

Eren looked at him in surprise. “Uh, yeah,” he said, wondering when Levi had seen it. He looked around the room, and found it on the floor where he had dropped it. He picked up the little carved stone and put it into Levi’s hand. He almost thought he felt something as he touched Levi’s hand _(like a light ghostly touch, or a feeling that he'd done this before)_ , dropping the amulet into it--but it was gone too quickly for him to process it. Levi looked at the little stone for a long time.

“I, um,” he said. He was nervous, why was he was so nervous... “We used to use them as good luck charms when I was growing up, and when Commander Erwin said we’d be setting out I went to the market to look for one…” He trailed off.

Levi looked up at him. “When did you buy it?” he asked sharply. “Exactly.”

“Well--I, guess it was that day you weren’t feeling well, and Hanji asked me to help you back to your room.”

“Before you saw me--or after?”

“After,” Eren said, wondering why it mattered, and Levi nodded as if this was the answer he’d expected.

“Can I keep it?” he asked.

Eren stared at him. “Sure,” he said. Almost as an afterthought he added, “Although, since it’s done its work, really we should bury it by the Wall…”

Levi looked up. “Hmm?”

“Well...when I was growing up, we used them when we prayed for something specific, like a good outcome, you know? If you wanted to have a good harvest, or do well in an endeavor, or recover from an illness or something you’d get an amulet and pray over it. Then if it happened you’d bury it near the Wall, and thank the goddess Maria. I...prayed for a successful outcome for the mission, so we should bury it.”

“What did you really pray for?” Levi asked him softly, looking at him with eyes that were far too knowing, and Eren blushed. Again, he’d known when Eren was fidgeting around the truth and gone unerringly towards it. Could Levi see all his secrets? He hoped not.

He wouldn’t look at Levi. “I asked it to bring you back safely,” he whispered. Sounding apologetic, he added, “I was worried after I saw you looking unwell, and...well, it isn’t effective if you say one thing but mean another. Your heart has to be true, or it won’t work.”

“Well,” Levi said, “it did its work well then, as you say. Let’s go and bury it.”

“Wh--now?” Eren asked.

“Sure,” Levi said. “Why not?”

“But--but everybody’s going to want to talk to you, I mean Hanji and Erwin--”

“Give me your arm, Eren,” Levi said, standing up. 

Eren obeyed, though he wondered at the Captain’s urgency; it seemed oddly capricious. He was worried about what Erwin and Hanji would say when they saw them.

Levi seemed comfortable leaning on him. Eren tried to stay calm but it was impossible. He felt like an idiot--there was no reason to get excited just because Levi needed a little help walking, he scolded himself. 

They made it outside without anyone seeing them, though Eren knew the sentries would spot them right away, and it would only be a matter of time before everyone else noticed too. But Levi seemed unconcerned.

When they reached the edge of the Wall Eren glanced back and saw that people had started to come out of the dining hall, where most of the Corp was breakfasting. They were staying put, but pointing to Levi and Eren--talking to each other in disbelief.

Levi ignored them. “Where’s a good spot?”

“Huh? Oh, it doesn’t matter--anywhere’s fine.”

“How deep?” Levi asked, as though this were the most important thing in the world. 

Eren saw Hanji and Erwin come out--and start rapidly walking towards them. Everyone was coming out of the building now.

_Levi’s back! Levi’s alive!_

Levi looked back over his shoulder for the first time. Eren missed it, but whatever happened stopped Hanji and Erwin dead in their tracks; they hung back, and Eren quickly turned his attention back to Levi, hiding a smile. He knew he shouldn't feel proud, that they'd been wrong and his persistence with Levi had paid off, but he couldn't help it. _They_ were the ones that had wanted to let him go! It didn't matter how valid their reasons had been, that carried no weight with his heart.

Levi had crouched down, oddly indifferent to the muddy ground, and he was digging a small hole with his hands. He glanced up at Eren for confirmation, and Eren nodded. Levi squeezed the amulet one final time, then put it in the hole.

“Should we say something?” Levi asked, pushing the dirt back in to cover it up.

Eren crouched beside him and clasped his hands the way his mother had taught him; he thanked the goddess Maria for her benevolence and mercy and they both bowed their heads.

“There must be a lot of amulets buried here,” Levi said after a while.

“Of course.”

“They don’t wash up, after it rains or something?”

“They do,” Eren said. “It’s okay, it’s like--a closed loop? Once the amulet does its work and you release it, it’s blank again--I mean, it would be in poor taste to go and dig one up, but if you just found one you’d be free to pray to it again.”

“Huh,” Levi said. 

“I guess other people don’t use them the same way,” Eren said. That had never occurred to him, but then he’d all but forgotten about the amulets, along with who knew what else about his childhood. His family hadn’t used them all that much anyway, it had been something his mother had done only when she’d been particularly worried about something. And even she hadn’t really believed in it--for her, it had just been a superstition that she’d grown up with.

“What if your wish doesn’t come true?”

“You bury it in your garden. Or anywhere, I guess, if you didn’t have a garden. There’s a holiday--if you have any wishes that haven’t come true in the last year you ‘release’ the amulets then, and start over if you want.”

“I see,” Levi said. He nodded for Eren to stand, and then let him help him to his feet. Everyone had hung back after Levi had glared at Hanji and Erwin, and they had even quieted down. Some of the recruits had figured out what they were doing--Armin and Mikasa had known right away, and had whispered explanations to the others--and then a hushed silence had fallen over all of them as if they were observing some sacred ritual.

Erwin was the first one to speak, meeting Levi halfway at the distance between their temporary barracks and the Wall.

“Levi,” he’d said, tears in his eyes.

“Hello, Erwin,” Levi said. “Court martial now, or later?”

Eren looked at him, bewildered, but he was even more baffled when the Commander embraced them both. Levi tolerated it for a moment before pushing him off.

“I don’t know why you’re standing around like a bunch of idiots,” he said. “Don’t you have anything better to do?”


	3. Chapter 3

Levi felt the moment his equipment jammed. He knew instantly that he was fucked. Mikasa was the only one who could have reached him, and she was too far away.

Even though the grappling hook was stuck he could have used the gas to propel himself forward, but the Titans surrounding him were too close for it to have made a difference. There was no safe place to land, and he wasn’t even close enough to take one of them out before they killed him.

An infuriating way to die.

All these thoughts passed through his head in seconds. The arc of his forward motion was sending him towards the Titan’s hand, which was approaching him with deceptive slowness.

He braced himself as best he could in the empty air, preparing his body for the impact and readying his blades. 

Then he was snatched out of the air and the Titan’s waiting grasp, somebody clutching him, spiriting him away from death.

They landed on the ground moments later, Levi spinning so they rolled with a harmless impact, their combined motion diffusing the force of the fall. He heard the others swooping in behind him to take care of the Titans, and he turned to watch them as he rapidly checked his equipment. He knocked out the tiny stone that had caused it to jam, staring at the thing that had so nearly killed him.

Then he turned and faced his rescuer. 

Eren was kneeling on the ground, hunched over.

“Eren,” he said blankly.

His mind helpfully recreated the field as it had been just seconds earlier, showing him Eren’s position relative to the others, the distance between himself and Levi and the Titans, the angle at which he had approached. 

It was impossible. Neither he nor Mikasa could have made that jump in time, and their skill far exceeded Eren’s. There was no way he could have been able to reach Levi--and yet he had.

“That was a once-in-a-lifetime jump,” Levi said, stunned. The technical difficulty of what Eren had accomplished was so far beyond his skill that Levi found it hard to think of anything else. It had been more than lucky; it had been miraculous. 

“It had fucking better be,” Eren snapped back, jerking his head up to look at him from beneath his hair.

Levi started at the raw emotion in his voice. He couldn’t remember Eren--either Eren--ever speaking to him that way. He tried to ignore the little thrill it gave him, even less able to suppress his feelings than usual.

“Holy shit, Eren!” 

The others had started landing around them, the dead Titans steaming and evaporating behind them.

“That was incredible! How did you do that?”

Eren got to his feet without answering, staggered away from them all, leaned over, and threw up.

Mikasa was coming over in concern and Levi waved her off and jerked his head at the rest of them to disappear. 

They scattered obediently, rounding up the horses and mounting up, keeping a watchful eye out for more Titans. They had come across a whole group of them suddenly, and Levi had taken out two on his own while the others worked on the rest, before his equipment had malfunctioned.

Levi walked over to Eren. He was kneeling on the ground again, head bent down.

“Can you stand?”

Eren shook his head so Levi dropped down beside him, offering first his water flask and then his handkerchief. Eren took them without comment. His hands were shaking badly enough that he spilled the water, and Levi silently reached out to steady him. 

They knelt there until Eren turned to him. Low and threatening he muttered, “Don’t. Say. Anything.”

Then he flung his arms around Levi, almost hard enough to bowl him over. But Levi held him up. He was quite a bit stronger than Eren (in human form anyway) and he held on to Eren tight, enough to make his ribs creak. After a few minutes Eren had stopped shaking. After another few minutes he sighed almost contented, turning his head to rest more comfortably on Levi’s shoulder.

“I’m all right now,” he ventured. Levi didn’t respond, and so they stayed there a while longer, until Eren regretfully pulled away.

It was the most they had ever touched in this lifetime. Levi pondered that while one of the new recruits brought their horses over, studiously avoiding eye contact. Eren was glancing at Levi sidewise. He had obviously expected Levi to protest, not reciprocate.

They rode back toward the Wall in near silence. Levi had only been back on full duty for a few weeks. Physically he had healed quickly from his injuries, but mentally it had taken him much longer to pull himself together. Once the immediate goal had been achieved--retaking Shinganshina, saving his friends--he had struggled with how to go on. 

Hanji thought it was a kind of mental whiplash--traveling back through five years instantly had been a tremendous shock. He had agreed that this sounded plausible. He didn’t tell her about the grief that had never left him.

This mission had been intended as an easy one--take the kids out and get some practice in, Erwin had said.

It’s a miracle no one’s dead. It’s a miracle _he’s_ not dead. Levi glanced over at the miracle in question, leaning forward on his horse.

He’d been the one who’d told Eren not to transform at the beginning, saying they needed more practice working together without him. Even with a lot of Titans coming upon them suddenly they had enough elite members that it should have been a straightforward victory.

They usually celebrate after close calls, _as long as no one’s dead, everything’s fine!_ That’s the unofficial motto of Squad Levi, that’s what Levi has heard them say to each other, giddy and gleeful as they ride back to base.

This time was different. No one was giving Eren shit for losing his lunch in the bushes, for one thing. He supposed that was because of him. It’s only been a few months since the last time he almost died. 

 

 

 

 

Eren wasn’t at dinner. Seeing the mulish look on Mikasa’s face Levi decided not to pursue it. But after dinner he went up to the roof.

Eren sat near the edge, his back to Levi.

He looked up, chagrined, when Levi sat down nearby. “I didn’t think anybody knew I was up here,” he mumbled.

“Mikasa doesn’t know you’re here,” Levi replied, and Eren smiled reluctantly.

“I just wanted to get away from everybody.”

“I figured.”

They sat in silence for a while. Eren shivered a little as the breeze picked up--he’d come up here hours earlier when the sun had been out, and he was underdressed. Levi had pulled his cape on before coming up himself.

“You really would have died, if I hadn’t--” Eren burst out suddenly, making it almost a question.

“Yes. Thanks, for being there,” Levi said. “Again.”

“You’re not supposed to die,” Eren said, quietly reproachful. “You’re supposed to always come back. It makes everybody nervous when you do that.”

He was used to relying on Eren. Had Eren been surprised these last few months, when he’d leaned in and Levi had let him? He didn’t know. He only knew that it was much harder to keep him at arm’s length this second time.

“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

Eren looked up at him. “I can’t stop thinking about it,” he confessed, more honestly than he’d intended. “It’s worse because--it was so stupid!”

“I know.”

“You could have died, just like that, just a stupid, pointless--”

“Eren,” he said, quietly interrupting. “You’re afraid because you think we have a choice, between safety and danger. Right?”

“Yeah,” he admitted reluctantly. “I’m sorry! I can’t help thinking about it. This last time...and next time…”

“But why do we go out and fight at all?” Levi prodded gently. “If we stay here, then we aren’t choosing safety. We’re choosing certain death, because if we don’t fight they come for us. Safety and danger are just an illusion--the real choice is between death and hope.

“You chose hope today. When you saw me, you knew you couldn’t make it in time, didn’t you?”

Eren nodded, his clear green eyes fixed on Levi.

“But you didn’t accept death. You chose hope. That’s why I’m alive.”

Levi stood up, and reached out a hand to Eren. After a moment Eren took it, and Levi pulled him easily to his feet. 

“Did you eat anything?”

Eren made a face.

“Come on then. Don’t be difficult.”

Eren sighed and followed him back inside.

 

 

 

 

It was getting late and the castle was settling down for the night. The kitchens were empty, as Levi had known they would be.

He had been coming down here lately, to read and work after everyone else was in bed. He liked the solitude. He tended to avoid his room. He hadn't been sleeping well since coming back. (Truth be told he’d never really slept well until Eren had started sleeping with him. Back in this before-time his insomnia was even worse than he remembered.)

Eren lit the torches and started boiling water in a kettle over the stove. Levi found the key for the larder and pulled out bread and ham and mustard and pickles and jam. He sliced everything to an exacting thinness. When he glanced up he caught Eren smiling faintly.

“What?”

“Nothing. It’s just--funny to see you cutting food. Like that.”

“I’m good at cutting things,” he said drily, and Eren laughed.

When everything was ready they sat down. Eren ate most of the food while they talked, and Levi drank most of the tea. When it was gone Eren got up to make another pot, without asking or waiting to be asked.

They didn't talk about anything important. Just the random gossip and speculation that the Corp ran on. Eren told him he'd seen rabbits in their practice field--Levi said yes, he'd seen them that morning when it was still light out.

Eren said Sasha wanted to eat them. Levi said they hadn't looked like they'd make much of a meal.

From there, somehow, they talked about the weather, books, a natural hot spring that existed inside Maria, near one of the SC bases they hoped to retake soon.

It was very late now. He ought to have told Eren to go to bed hours ago, but he hadn’t. He had that rare feeling that things were all right, that just for the moment the world was in balance and he was where he was supposed to be.

When he finally got up to begin washing things and putting them away Eren got up to help, without a word of protest. 

When they walked upstairs together Eren kept brushing his hand, like he thought he was getting away with something.

 

 

 

 

Alone in his room he lay down in the bed, but sleep didn’t come. Eventually he sighed and got up, going to sit by the window, resting his head on his arms.

It was like trying to hold water in your hands. He couldn’t think about it. He supposed the right thing to do would have been to push Eren away, but he couldn’t. Just as before Eren was his one source of comfort, but more than that Eren was his link to _sanity._ He didn’t know, maybe Hanji was right after all about the temporal shock or whatever she’d called it. He only knew that he felt wrong, and that it was a feeling that hadn’t lessened over time.

It was no good telling himself that Eren was just a dumb kid--he was the same in all the ways that mattered. The way Levi had remembered his teenage years had been awfully unflattering--and more than a little inaccurate, he’d discovered. Eren had changed a lot more quickly than he’d realized.

It was disconcerting to find out how much he’d gotten wrong.

 

 

 

 

There was no answer when Eren knocked, and so steeling himself he very carefully tried the door. To his slight surprise, it was unlocked.

He didn’t see Levi at first, and then he did--not in the bed but in a chair, sleeping propped against the windowsill.

He ought to just leave, right? Levi was okay...probably…

But Hanji had sent him up here. He felt certain that Levi’s patience with him was close to running out--that he’d already taken as many liberties as he was ever going to get--but he sighed and forced himself to go to Levi’s side.

“Captain?” he whispered, tentatively putting a hand on Levi’s shoulder.

Levi opened his eyes--between one moment and the next he was awake, just like that.

“What are you doing here?” he asked, not sounding terribly surprised.

“Well...you missed breakfast,” Eren said sheepishly. “Hanji asked me to check on you,” he added, because he was a coward.

Levi looked troubled. “I overslept,” he said, rubbing his jaw with one hand as though he couldn’t believe it.

“Are you feeling okay? Is it...yesterday?”

Levi didn’t answer, and Eren went on very quickly, before he could lose courage, “Is something else wrong? Are you--are you ill?”

“No,” Levi said quietly. He looked older, and sadder, and more defeated in that moment than Eren could ever remember seeing him.

“You’re lying,” he said softly. It wasn’t something he would have ever dared say, but his fear for Levi made him brave. “Please,” he said, and he reached for one of Levi’s hands clumsily. “You’ve been different since Shinganshina. It’s not just your injuries. I’ve heard you and Hanji talking sometimes. I never heard what you said, but there _is_ something.”

If Levi had dressed him down, told him coldly that even if there was something happening it was none of Eren’s business he would have dropped it and left meekly. But Levi was tired, down to his soul, and it didn’t occur to him.

If he had had time to collect himself he wouldn’t have said it. But he was having trouble keeping all his selves separate.

“Sometimes I wonder if I wasn’t meant to survive Shinganshina,” he said, not sounding guilty or sad--but just _tired_. He’d so very nearly died. Everyone but Eren had given up on him.

And all those lives he’d saved--surely, there had to be a price for that? His life for theirs--that was a fair trade. He’d been nearly killed again yesterday. Would that have balanced the scales? And then there was Eren. The real one, he couldn’t help but think. Not dead, but written out as though he’d never existed. If he had died too it would have closed that circle.

He looked calmly at Eren, but to his surprise Eren nodded, as if this made sense.

“I know what you mean,” he said. He stood up, and tugged Levi over to the bed.

“What are you doing?” Levi said, trying to be affronted and not managing very well.

Eren didn’t answer right away. He pushed Levi into the bed and got in after him. 

“You don’t sleep very well by yourself, do you?” he asked.

Levi didn’t answer, and Eren stayed, keeping a little distance between them but pressing one hand flat to his back.

“That’s...how I felt after Petra and the others died. That it should have been me, not them. I thought you’d blame me afterward, but you never did.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Levi said.

“It’s always worse when I’m tired,” Eren said, not answering directly. “You stayed up with me, to make me feel better last night.” _I’ll stay with you, to make you feel better,_ was the unspoken corollary to that. A child’s way of offering comfort.

By the time Eren had moved his hand down to rest on Levi’s ribs he was already asleep.

 

 

 

 

When he woke up later that afternoon he was alone. He lay there for a moment, staring at his ceiling and feeling oddly calm. He did feel better, he thought as he stretched and got up. He found himself mildly irritated with Eren for being right, and amused by his own pettiness.

Once in Mitras, many years ago, he’d seen a cat climb up to a tiny balcony crowded with flowerpots. He would have sworn there wasn’t enough room for the animal to sit down without knocking them over, but it had stepped carefully between them and settled in, arranging itself in the tiny awkward space there. It had glared at him from across the street, twitching its tail, and he had watched it spend the rest of the afternoon sunning itself in regal contentment.

At the time he had wondered why it hadn’t chosen one of the other less crowded balconies to sit on.

That was what Eren had been good at for as long as he had known him. Finding that empty space and squeezing himself into it, doing it so well and unobtrusively that Levi never had anything to complain about. Before, he’d known when to retreat and when to press his advantage. He’d had an uncanny sense for knowing when Levi was in a yielding mood. Levi would have sworn that was something he’d learned through long years of trial and error.

Apparently not.

He’d never had the experience of longing for an old lover, while wanting to take a new one. The fact that they were the same person didn’t make it any easier to deal with. He didn’t _want_ to get involved with this Eren--the young one, who was still innocent of the years that Levi had lived through. He couldn’t help but think how _young_ he was, whenever he looked at him, and nothing made him want to keep him at arm’s length more.

But then other times he’d do or say something that would startle him into realizing how much he’d grown--how he was much closer to the young man Levi had spent so much of his life with. It was like looking at one of those pictures that was meant to be two people at once--a young girl and an old crone, or a laughing man and a crying one.

That night at dinner he sat with Hanji and Erwin and the others, and after everyone else had gotten up and said their good nights only he and Hanji were left.

“You didn’t eat much,” Hanji remarked when they were alone.

He grunted.

“You look like you’ve lost weight.”

He made a face at her. “I know.” That rankled; he wasn’t a large man, and he knew even five pounds made a difference when it came to what he needed his body to do.

“I can’t make myself eat, Hanji.”

“Are you still feeling--” she waved a vague hand, one that took in all the symptoms they’d discussed over the past few months.

“Yes,” he admitted, leaning back in his chair.

“Hmm,” she said.

“What kind of ‘hmm’ is that?”

“Nothing, it’s just that if we extend that analogy that we used before--if you experienced a mental shock similar to a physical one--I would have thought you’d start to recover by now. How do you feel physically?”

“Better than I did before, to tell you the truth.” He didn’t have any doubts that it was his younger body that he was inhabiting. As far as his injuries from Shinganshina went, he’d recovered completely. Eren had begged him not to tell Hanji what he’d done, and he’d agreed. While it was true that if Eren could use his blood to extend his healing abilities to others that would be nothing short of miraculous, Levi couldn’t help but think there had to be some cost to it. He remembered the way experimenting with the Titan’s hardening abilities had weakened Eren.

He’d remembered some things Kenny had told him about the old king’s brother.

He didn’t want Eren to lose his health or his life in experiments that might come to nothing. If it came to it--if someone was hurt in the field--he’d let Eren decide what to do. But he couldn’t help but think if this was a gift then it was a cursed one. He could imagine too many terrible possibilities it was found out that Eren could heal other people--it would become a game of why this one, and not that one, probably until Eren was drained bloodless.

He didn’t think Eren had considered all that, though they hadn’t talked about it. But Eren had seemed afraid when he’d asked Levi not to tell Hanji or Erwin about what he’d done. He was tired of always being the freak, Levi thought.

“Unless there was something else,” Hanji said, interrupting the flow of his thoughts. “Some other reason why you don’t feel recovered, mentally.” She had that piercing look she sometimes had, as though she were asking a question to which she already had the answer.

“No,” he said, standing up. “Nothing I can think of. Good night, Hanji.”

 

 

 

 

After that...if Levi was having a bad day Eren would usually come up to his room, sometime after midnight, and stay until dawn.

It was all very carefully managed. He’d creep into the room quietly in the dark, without knocking, and slip into bed beside Levi without saying a word. He’d gotten bolder after the first few times and would snuggle in right away instead of keeping his distance. 

Levi hadn’t given him any encouragement. He hadn’t objected, either, but then he’d already lived through all this once. 

He still couldn’t help but feel Eren was the only thing anchoring him to this world. Nothing else felt real. He tried to summon up interest in Erwin’s plots and plans and Hanji’s discoveries but it was like watching children play at being soldiers. He was carrying a whole world on his shoulders, a whole world’s grief and troubles and suffering, and he was unable to set it down no matter how hard he tried.

With Eren--even in the mundane moments of chores and cleaning--he could...not forget. But _remember who he was._ He didn’t push Eren away. He couldn’t, though he dreaded taking too much. The other Eren, at least, had had years to experience other parts of life, other friends, other lovers. He didn’t _want_ to take over Eren’s life--to someone who had always valued freedom, autonomy, independence, that was the worst thing imaginable. 

Once, Eren had chosen him freely, and that was fine. It didn’t seem like a fair choice to present to a boy, no matter how much he reminded Levi of that man. So he tried to stay neutral, walking that tightrope of needing to keep himself sane and letting Eren be free to become someone different.

 

 

 

 

The road was hot and dusty, and though Levi had heard his squad snickering that morning when they’d seen him wearing the straw hat Hanji had given him, by noon they were all drooping and sweaty.

All the soldiers had already gotten permission to strip off their jackets and capes, and Levi himself was only wearing a loose summerweight linen shirt, no cravat. Even so they were all hot and tired and irritable. It hadn’t been a good day to set out, but Erwin hadn’t wanted to delay any longer. They were bound for Mitras. That was where Historia was, and the political schemes Erwin would embroil himself in. Levi had already told him who, in the other life, had betrayed them, who had stayed loyal. It might mean nothing here, he’d said, when they were riding fresh off a victory and not a defeat.

Then again it might.

After the first hour Erwin had decided to break the column into three, separating each group far enough to let the dust die down a little before the next group passed. He was at the front with the first group. Hanji and Levi and their squads, along with some of the newest recruits, were in the middle.

They broke for lunch during midday, staying in the shade of the trees by the road for one glorious hour, and then they were back on their horses, with some sighing and grumbling that Levi tolerantly ignored. 

They rearranged themselves a little; Levi’s squad was all in the rear now, and Hanji came to ride beside him.

“You’ve been looking better,” Hanji remarked after a while.

“Mm.”

“Well rested. And you’ve put on that weight you lost.”

It was true--it had been a relief to get back up to his fighting weight.

“Any idea why?” Hanji asked innocently.

He looked at her calmly from underneath the straw hat, wondering whether he should call her on her bullshit. But that would mean acknowledging that she somehow knew he was carrying on (after a fashion) with Eren.

“No,” he said blandly.

“Hmm,” she said, amused, turning her eyes forward to the road.

He heard the click, and time seemed to stretch and slow. He felt, with perfect clarity, that this was one of those moments where things would change. But did the path fork at two branches, three, a hundred, a thousand? All dependent upon what he did next.

He didn’t think. He grabbed one of the new lightning flares Hanji had been experimenting with from the holster, and launched it; there was a noise so loud it felt like the sky itself had cracked in half, with the accompanying white light.

None of that could completely block the noise of the rifles firing.

There were screams. The horses weren’t accustomed to this new flare yet, and some of them (though not all) were startled, bucking and rearing as their riders struggled to control them.

As soon as he had launched the flare he’d grabbed Hanji, knocking them both to the ground between the horses.

“Put your damn capes on!” he roared at the Scouts, as he fumbled his own from the saddlebag.

“Are you hurt?” he asked Hanji.

“No,” she said, calmly draping her own cape around herself, and in spite of the danger they were in he couldn’t help but smile at her.

“They’re reloading,” she said.

“Fire black flares!” he yelled, and those that were able to did so; soon the air was filled with black smoke.

 _And hopefully the other groups will see it, assuming they haven’t been attacked as well,_ he thought.

He was wearing the harness over his pants, but not the rest of his gear, and he quickly pulled it on. Hanji had already disappeared up into the treetops where their attackers had been firing from. Any of their own people that were able to do so and had their wits about them would soon be joining them; hopefully the smoke and the confusion, and the half second warning he’d had, would be enough to keep the rest of their people safe in the meantime. 

He launched himself up into the trees, and knocked out the first man he found. He was dressed plainly, in colors meant to blend in with his surroundings, and Levi didn’t recognize him. He hit him with the flat of his sword, but let him fall to the ground, not caring whether he survived. Then he was on to the next tree.

Only when he was certain that they had cleared out all the attackers did he allow himself to go back down. He hadn’t seen any of his squad as he’d zipped among the trees with the others, taking out the nine men and three women that had ambushed them.

They were clustered at the back, still. Armin’s cloak was haphazardly thrown over his back, and Levi could see the blood staining his arm where he’d been hit.

Jean and Eren were lying on the ground, both of them a bloody mess. Apparently that was where they’d directed most of their firepower in that initial assault.

Mikasa was holding a cloak grimly to Eren’s chest, her face set. Connie and Sasha were doing the same thing for Jean.

Levi very gently nudged Mikasa to the side, then bent his ear to Eren’s mouth. He could hear his breath. That established, he didn’t let himself linger, but went over to Jean to repeat the gesture.

“Captain--!” he could hear them crying, not just his squad, but everyone: who was responsible, what should they do, but he calmly ignored them and began field dressing the boys, beginning with Jean.

 

 

 

 

When Erwin arrived twenty minutes later, galloping full tilt at the head of the vanguard squad, they had things more or less under control.

Hanji reported to him, “We have them all tied up now. Only seven of them survived. The rest tried to fight back, or died when they fell. Nine men, three women.”

“They shot at you from the trees?” Erwin said, moving his big body easily off of his horse to stand on the ground, automatically scanning the area. He was relieved to see Levi standing in the distance. There’d been something wraithlike about him, ever since Shinganshina.

“It was an ambush,” Hanji agreed. 

“Who are they?” 

“No one’s talked yet. They’re not all awake.”

“What about our own people?”

“No one’s dead--yet,” Hanji grimaced. “Five were badly injured--four shot, the fifth when her horse fell on her. And two of those are Eren and Jean. It would have been worse if Levi hadn’t warned us; he heard them.”

Erwin looked at her sharply. “Eren should be fine though?”

Hanji took a breath. “We’d assume so. They were both badly hurt.”

Erwin looked past her to where Levi was standing. He walked through the carnage--dead horses, soldiers being tended for minor injuries by their comrades, nodding at his people as he went until he’d reached Levi’s side. 

Jean and Eren were both unconscious and pale. Eren was bandaged already, lying still on the ground, but Mikasa was still working over Jean’s body with needle and thread. Erwin, looking down at him, couldn’t help but wince at the sight of those wounds.

Levi walked to the edge of the road, unprompted, and Erwin followed him. 

“Tell me you didn’t know about this,” Levi said quietly when they were out of everyone’s hearing.

Erwin’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “You think I wouldn’t tell you if I suspected an ambush?”

“You wouldn’t delay our setting out. You split us into three groups this morning instead of keeping the column together.”

“Levi...no. I swear to you, I had no idea.”

“That’s good,” Levi said. “Sorry.”

Erwin looked troubled. “There isn’t anything I’ve been keeping from you,” he said truthfully.

“Yeah. I thought there might be. I don’t think I’d trust myself, in your position, to be honest.”

“Levi,” Erwin spoke slowly, “I understand why you acted the way you did at Shinganshina. I was angry at first, but I believe you acted in everyone’s best interest. I’m sorry that before, I couldn’t.”

Levi gave him a level look which he returned. There had been constraint between them, until this moment, and though he couldn’t ever be grateful that they had been attacked he was happy to see Levi looking like himself again, instead of the haunted man he’d been these last few months. 

“How are they?” he asked at last.

“Not great,” Levi said, looking back over at where Jean and Eren were lying. “What do you want to do? Should we go on to Mitras?”

“Let me see what I can find out from the survivors before we decide,” Erwin said.

 

 

 

 

He was drowning, trying to come up to the surface of the water, gasping a breath of clean air before going down again. He felt as if he’d tried to come up a hundred, or a thousand times, but had never quite managed it; he was afraid he was never going to wake up.

He could hear some kind of commotion happening as he struggled, and then a hand reached out and plucked him out of the water, into consciousness.

He was in a bare room, with white plaster walls. Back at their barracks in Mitras by the look of it. Levi was there, sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at him calmly. Behind him, Armin was clutching a bloody nose.

“No,” he said, guilt-stricken. “Armin, did I--”

“It’s okay,” Armin said. He was grinning, holding a handkerchief to the bleeding. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Go get that cleaned up,” Levi said, shooing him out.

Eren watched him go, biting his lip, feeling ashamed. “How’s Jean?” he said.

“The same as the last dozen times you’ve asked.”

“I don’t remember asking,” Eren said unhappily.

“It’s okay,” Levi said, squeezing his shoulder. “He’s doing better.”

“Did you--use my blood?” he asked.

Levi was looking at him warily. For a moment, he thought Levi wasn’t going to answer him. “You pretty much insisted,” he said at last. “You were in a state.”

“Did it work?”

“No,” Levi said. “And it took you twice as long to come back from this as it would have, otherwise, probably. It’s not a good idea for you to mess around with.”

Eren looked deflated. “It didn’t work at all?” he said. “But it worked for you...was it because I don’t like him? He’s an asshole but that doesn’t mean I want him to die!”

“Eren,” Levi said, with strained patience, “Will you just calm the fuck down for a minute? You’ve been unconscious for most of the last week, maybe take a little break before you start blaming yourself for everything, huh?”

“Sorry,” he muttered. “I just don’t understand, why it wouldn’t--”

Levi sighed internally. This guilt had never left, during his infrequent wake ups. He couldn’t remember anything else, but he remembered Jean had been as badly injured as he had. If Levi ever found out who had told him about Jean’s injuries...

“You remember,” Levi said, interrupting, “a while back, you said I’d been different since Shinganshina.”

Surprised Eren looked up at him. “Yeah.”

“You were right,” Levi said. “No one knows this apart from Erwin and Hanji. That’s how it needs to stay, all right?”

Even more surprised Eren nodded.

“I had already lived through that battle, once, before we ever got there. That day you thought I was ill--when Hanji sent for you--that was the day I first came back. I kept all my memories of the time afterward. I knew what was going to happen to us, if we went back to Shinganshina, so I tried to change things.” He looked carefully at Eren, to see how he was taking this--if he would look at him as Erwin and Hanji had, as though he were a saint or a lunatic. 

Eren was wide-eyed and serious, but he didn’t speak; he was watching Levi with rapt attention.

“Do you believe me?” Levi asked him.

“Yes,” Eren said simply. “You’re saying you came from the future?”

“A future,” Levi said. “One that won’t happen anymore.”

“How...far?”

“About six years,” he said.

Eren seemed to be considering this. “Was...I there?”

“Yes.”

“What about everyone else?”

“Some were. Some...weren’t. It’s better if we don’t talk about that right now. That amulet...the one you bought, before we left on our expedition. Where I came from, a little girl gave it to me. I think it was the same amulet. I think that first time we all went through this you didn’t buy it; it followed some other path to reach her town, years later, where she bought it for me.”

“You think it really was...magic?” Eren said in disbelief.

Levi smiled faintly; of course Eren would accept everything else on faith, but not that a superstition from his childhood was real. “Not exactly,” he said. “I think it was just as you said--just a blank token we fix our beliefs on. But somehow--call it coincidence, or whatever you like--it was the same amulet that you gave me, and that little girl gave me. The same object, at two different points in time--on two different timelines in fact. Somehow, I think it was able to guide me back here, from the time I came from.”

“But,” Eren said, “what caused you to move in time? If it wasn’t the amulet?”

Levi hesitated. “There was...something. A place. A place outside the Walls. I can’t explain it in any way that would make sense, but I was there. It exists outside of time. I think it’s always the same time there--as though time never moves, or everything happens at once. Everything makes sense while you’re there, but afterward it’s like coming back from a dream. When I was there it looked like a waterfall.”

Eren drew back, suddenly pale.

“Eren,” he said, reaching for him, “are you all right?”

“I--” he said, and shivered. “I’ve been dreaming about a waterfall, all week. I dreamed that I was drowning, over and over again, I--” He started to cry then, feeling stupid but unable to help it--everything Levi had said could be twisted to fit his nightmare; suppose he hadn’t ever woken up, would he have been drowning forever?

Levi looked stricken. After a moment he took Eren into his arms and held him, not speaking, but holding him close. 

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, when Eren had calmed down, and was trying to wiggle away in mortification.

“Why?” Eren asked, turning to look at him in surprise.

“I brought you there with me,” Levi said dully. “Where...I came from. You kept telling me, over and over again, that you weren’t supposed to be there. I should have listened to you.”

“I’m okay,” Eren said, embarrassed. “It was just a dream...even if it was a bad one.” When Levi didn’t answer he bit his lip, turning everything over in his head. “What...why are you telling me all this now?” he asked.

“You and the little girl both prayed for the same thing, from that amulet,” Levi said. “I think that might have helped you, when you tried to heal me before. I don’t know how. I could be wrong about it, but I don’t think I am.”

“It couldn’t fulfill its purpose until you were recovered,” Eren said thoughtfully.

Levi shrugged: _maybe._ “You aren’t responsible for this,” he continued. “There are a million reasons why it might have worked when you tried to do it for me, but it failed with Jean. There are mysteries we probably won’t ever have the answers to.”

“But--” Eren said, “You’re admitting it yourself, then. We don’t know. Now that I’m better, we could try again, maybe I was just too weak before--”

“Did your father ever have a patient that died?” Levi asked suddenly.

“Well--yeah,” Eren said.

“So let’s assume you’re right about this, and it _was_ your blood that healed me, and your father had a cure-all in his own blood. Why would he have ever let a patient die?”

Eren struggled to answer. He frowned, bunching up the blanket on the bed in his hands. “I don’t know,” he said at last.

“Are you sure? Your father was a brilliant man, and a good man from what you all say.”

“I guess--there might have been a reason he could have only used it occasionally. Like during that plague Shadis told us about.”

“What kind of a reason?” Levi asked.

“You think there’s a cost,” Eren said, looking up at him defiantly, “But--”

“We have no way to know what it is,” Levi said. “The first time you tried, it worked beautifully. The second time was a complete failure, and it set back your own recovery by days. What if the third time kills you?”

“But if I could help, and I didn’t--Captain, it’s not just Jean. What if you got hurt again, or Armin, or Mikasa? And I could help you, but I didn’t because I was afraid--”

“It isn’t about fear,” Levi said. “Eren, this is just too dangerous. We know so little about Titans, about your abilities. The very little we do know makes it clear this isn’t something we can experiment with. I’m not going to watch you bleed out your life little by little because you think you need to save everyone. You’re not responsible for everyone.”

“And you’re not responsible for me!” Eren snapped back at him, stung.

“Yes,” Levi said gently, “I am.” He leaned forward and kissed Eren lightly on the forehead.

Eren gaped at him as he stood up. “I’ll have some food sent up for you,” he said. “Get some rest, Eren.”

 

 

 

 

Jean recovered, although it was weeks before he stopped hobbling around. Two of the other Scouts that had been injured were not so lucky. Their deaths weighed heavily on Levi.

He had told Eren that he wasn’t responsible for everyone, and that was good advice. He would have done well to listen to it himself. Instead he wondered if he had traded some deaths for others. He had been willing to bargain with his own life, but risking the lives of others was something else. This wasn’t sacrifice in the heat of battle. This had all been brought about by the changes he had wrought. He had thought he had been doing what he could to ensure the survival of humanity, but he hadn’t considered the costs.

Then there was Eren. There were days that he didn’t come to Levi’s room, that he stayed in his own bed, and sometimes when Levi saw him the next day there were dark circles under his eyes. Was he still dreaming of the waterfall? Of drowning?

Suppose that was what he had doomed the other Eren to. If he hadn’t just been unraveled, as though he’d never existed at all, was he still there, stuck forever? Drowning over and over again in that place out of time?

It was the most horrific thought he’d ever had, and he couldn’t shake it loose. He tried to tell himself that there had been nothing bad, nothing evil, about the place when he had been there. Nothing to doom Eren to such an awful fate. 

But maybe evil had nothing to do with it. Maybe--without the amulet--the same thing would have happened to Levi.

Except--he was certain--without the amulet he never would have found that place. And Eren hadn’t been meant to come. He’d said so, hadn’t he? _And Levi had made him continue on._

One day, when he couldn’t take his dark thoughts chasing themselves around his head any longer, he collected Eren and the two of them rode out of Mitras, getting as far away as they could, while still being within a few hours ride of the city. They found a forested area, blessedly deserted, and they climbed up to the high flat top of the hill that overlooked the woods and fields beyond.

“You can almost pretend there isn’t anybody else around, up here,” Eren said, looking out in satisfaction. Levi spread an extra blanket from the saddle bag out on the ground, and they sat down to share the sandwiches. 

When they had finished Eren laid down dreamily to watch the clouds, and for a long time they didn’t speak.

“What,” Levi said, finally.

Eren gave him a half-smile. “I know you don’t like talking about it,” he said.

No need to ask what ‘it’ was.

“You can ask,” Levi said. 

“Well. What was I like?” he asked, sounding wistful.

Levi blinked. “What do you mean?”

“What kind of person was I?”

“You were the same as you are now. Just older.”

“I mean,” Eren said. He sat up, plucking a blade of grass apart. “Was I a good person?” he asked quietly.

It was such a strange moment; Levi remembered it afterwards, hearing the breeze rustle the branches on the trees behind him, feeling the warm sun beating down on them, feeling puzzled by the question until it crystallized, and he understood what Eren had meant.

He remembered when he’d met Eren; many years ago, by his own reckoning. Eighteen months or so by this count. It wasn’t the question the angry, arrogant child would have asked. 

No, this was the question the man asked, humbly posed. Am I good enough? Did I do enough?

“Eren,” he said. “Yes. You’re a good person now.”

Eren smiled faintly, not looking at him. “I couldn’t save Jean,” he said. “And--”

“Jean’s fine, he doesn’t need you to save him,” Levi said, impatiently. He’d spent all these months dreading the moment when Eren would reach for him. What he had failed to realize was that Eren never would. That Eren believed he was unworthy.

He had thought there was plenty of time. But the ambush had never happened in his lifetime (though it had been organized by some of the same adversaries, and oddly enough someone who had been their ally). It was impossible to say what he had changed, how their lives would unfold now, how long either of them would live.

He reached out to clasp Eren’s hand, and pulled him over. Eren smiled at first, but then he looked puzzled--Levi didn’t stop, until Eren was almost in his lap. Then he kissed him.

For him it wasn’t like a first kiss at all. Probably not for Eren either--he dove right in, the way he always had, all lips and teeth and tongue. But surprisingly adept, not clumsy the way he would have thought.

He kissed the same way, and Levi felt almost a sense of vertigo, feeling like he was in two places at once. Then Eren pushed him down and the world steadied, and he was here, in that moment and nowhere else.

 

 

 

 

Afterwards Eren sighed happily from where he was lying on top of Levi. Their clothes were scattered untidily over the ground.

Levi bit his lip, more amused than he could remember being in a long time.

“You um.” Eren said; it’s the first thing either of them has said in the last hour.

“Hm.”

Eren propped himself up to look down at Levi. “You did this before, right? I mean...with me.”

“Yeah.”

“For how long?”

“I guess…” Levi thought back, “Three or four days, maybe.”

“What!” Eren said, and Levi did smile then; he sounded so deeply outraged. “What do you mean! What happened!”

“I don’t know,” Levi said. “It wasn’t an easy life, for either of us. We were very close in some ways. Most ways. I guess I resisted. I guess you didn’t want to push me.”

“Oh,” Eren said; his whole face had changed, and he looked at Levi tenderly. “I’m sorry,” he said, laying back down and putting his arms around him. 

Levi stroked his hair absently, thinking. After a few minutes he heard Eren’s breathing even out and slow, and he looked down to see that he’d fallen asleep. 

 

 

 

 

They were having a picnic--a clothes-on picnic, as opposed to the other kind--and nearby Levi could hear the sound of roaring water. He rolled to his side and saw Eren, drawing in a little book. A different Eren. An older Eren. 

He smiled at Levi, when he saw him looking, and tossed the book aside. 

“You woke up!” 

“Dream?” Levi said out loud, “Or vision?”

They were back at the waterfall. Again, he felt that sense of peace, as if nothing bad could touch them here. No death or illness or decay.

“Neither,” Eren said. “Or both, if you want.” He sat up all the way, pulling his legs under him.

“I’m sorry,” Levi muttered unhappily, rubbing his face. “I didn’t know, when I brought you here, that you wouldn’t come back with me.”

Eren looked amused. “I did come back with you,” he said, “and I was already there. And I’m here, too.”

Levi shook his head. “I don’t understand.”

“I’m glad you finally made the first move,” Eren said, not answering this. “It’s so like you to be worried about cheating on me with myself.”

“He isn’t you.”

Eren rolled his eyes. “He is. He will be. There’s only one of me, Levi, just like there’s only one of you.”

Levi looked away, obviously guilty and unconvinced.

“What else did he tell you? The ‘other’ Levi?” Eren asked, as if he were humoring him.

_Whatever you choose, there will be a price._

“Not that!” Eren said, impatiently, as if he had heard Levi’s thoughts aloud. “What _else?”_

Levi knew, suddenly, what Eren was referring to. He’d forgotten all about it. _“You can have this,”_ his other self had told him, meaning not just his friends alive, their future secure, but Eren too, his relationship with Eren. That had been the very first thing he’d seen. He and Eren--living together in some place he’d never seen, but a place that had so obviously and clearly been _home._

“You’re saying,” he said, in disbelief, “That was _me?_ Really me? Not just some other version of myself?”

Eren was looking at him, eyes slanted almost catlike in their amusement, and then Levi realized. 

“And you’re not--you’re not the Eren that I knew before I came here. You’re the one that I saw in my first vision. You’re--the man, that this boy grows into.”

That happy, healthy, confident Eren he’d first seen--still, apparently, in love with Levi six years from now.

“I told you,” Eren said, “there’s only one of me. Only one of you.” Then he got up on his hands and knees and leaned forward, kissing Levi across the blanket.

 

 

 

 

He didn’t think he’d slept for very long. His hand was still in Eren’s hair, and his arm was just starting to go numb. Gingerly he moved it and sat up.

Eren regarded him sleepily. “I dreamed we were at that waterfall.”

“You did?” Levi repeated stupidly. “What happened?”

“Nothing really,” Eren said, yawning. He stretched his arms and sat up, beginning to gather their clothes together. “You asked me if I was happy. I told you I was. You were a little older though.”

Levi felt his heart pounding in his chest--wondering if that was the ‘other’ self that had been talking to Eren. Only one of him. Only one of me. Yes, he was going to have to start trying to think of it that way; he was going to drive himself crazy trying to keep track of everyone otherwise. 

Eren was slowly getting dressed. “Levi,” he said. It shouldn’t thrill him so much to hear his name like that, in that pure young voice, but it did.

“Mm.”

“Can I sleep in your room tonight?”

“Sure.”

“What about tomorrow night?” Eren asked slyly, buttoning up his shirt and looking at Levi beneath his lashes.

Levi laughed, startled out of his reverie. “Yes,” he said. “Do whatever you want.”

“What if someone notices?”

“I don’t care,” Levi said. And although he was still naked, and Eren was now fully dressed he stood up to pull him into his arms and kissed him soundly. “We’ve lived through enough,” he told Eren, “We’ve suffered enough, for plenty of lifetimes, and we’ll probably have to suffer more before it’s all over. There’s just--you and me,” he said, saying the last words with care. 

Eren was looking at him, so radiantly happy that Levi figured it would be impossible to keep it a secret anyway. He kissed Eren again, deciding he didn’t care at all, and then he got dressed too.

 

 

 

 

**EPILOGUE**

 

Dessa looked up from where she was chopping vegetables in the kitchen--there was what sounded like a dozen horses or more in the courtyard. Hurriedly she wiped her hands on her apron and ran outside.

Flora was sitting on a horse with her nose up in the air, as regal as the Queen, riding in front of a short dark-haired man in a green cape. All of the men and women in the inn’s yard--and there were _more_ than a dozen, she realized--were wearing those same green capes, with embroidered wings on their backs. 

The Survey Corp? she thought in confusion. But what on earth were they doing here?

“Er,” she hazarded meekly, looking around for whoever was in charge, “if you’re requiring accommodation I’m afraid we don’t have room for you all...but if you’d like a meal…”

A young man in his early twenties, with a handsome, open face got gracefully down from his horse to stand before her. Dessa watched him, her head turned in spite of herself even as she tried to keep an eye on Flora who was still getting her pony-ride around the yard.

“Are you Dessa?” he asked her. His voice was very nice too.

“Uh--yes, sir, I am,” she said, giving an awkward curtsy, wondering how on earth this beautiful creature knew her name.

“My name is Eren Jaeger,” he said, and she blinked in recognition. He handed her a long envelope.

“Uh,” she said, taking it in shaking hands, “What is--?” she opened it, and seeing the royal seal at the bottom of the letter she nearly fell over. 

“Queen Historia,” Eren said, “would like to offer you employment.”

It took some convincing, but not as much as Eren had imagined. After Dessa had nearly passed out one of the girls had gotten down to help her to sit down; someone else had gotten her a cupful of water. 

“Give her some space, Eren, really, you’re too much,” one of his trainees said archly, only half-joking, and he grinned at her and walked off agreeably to where Levi was standing on the edge of the group.

“You think she’ll say yes?” Eren asked him, reaching up to take the little girl and put her on the ground.

“Go and pack, Flora,” Levi said loftily. “Just take whatever you can’t leave behind. Don’t worry about clothes.” He’d already given her the child-sized cape, draping it around her shoulders himself.

“Yes, Captain,” she said obediently, racing into the inn. She’d taken much less convincing than Dessa; she clearly knew a golden opportunity when she saw one.

Eren laughed a little, watching her go. “You’ve made another conquest,” he teased.

“I’m just repaying a debt to an old friend,” Levi replied evenly. “They seem to have revived Dessa,” he remarked, and he nudged his horse along. “Get them moving, Eren, we have a lot of ground to cover if we want to make it home by tonight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was definitely the trickiest chapter for me to write, and it took longer than the other two. I think I got it right, and I hope you like it too if you've made it this far :) It would make me really happy to know what you think!


End file.
